there's always gonna be someone who is better, so why bother? that rationale carried my attitude since i became a teenager. i never realized how it would eventually impact every decision i ever make and my drive to want to become better. and every day, i feel that i am sucking in the energy around me and not giving out enough. making the same choices. decompressing the same ways. letting my brain follow its impulses. is it possible to feel happy when you know time is ticking, like every day you have just gotten fractionally older, waking up a little more aged than before.
i'll get back to this.