Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-10-31 10:23:26 (UTC)

last night

So last night, I was laying on the couch, when Mike came out to get something and said "hey you can sleep in the room if you want, I won't bother you"

So I waited for about what seemed like 15 minutes, but was probably actually 10 seconds and decided to go in there I said "what if I want to be bothered?" not sure if he heard me or not

So I went in there hoping for something but expecting nothing. I just lay down and sent 'vibes' haha Next thing I knew, he accidently touched me, oops sorry. I said I didn't mind, so he did it again. Then we spent the next hour or so playfully and lovingly making love. When it was over I slept like a baby. Happy, content, loved

but this morning, nothing's changed. Well, my anxieties are gone (sex is a huge anxiety reducer) for right now, but Mike is still leaving. He is looking at a place this morning or tomorrow. I mean I could go all prayer warrior on his ass, pray the place sucks or he can't get it, but that's not who I am. I pray only good things for him, have I asked God to smack Mike upside the head to make him see (things the way I see them)? yeah not going to lie, but I honestly want Mike to have it all. I honestly love that man, I trust him completely, I just want us back. Maybe there is no more us, I just can't believe that

but, then again there was the 1 good boyfriend (in between 1st abusive relationship and 1st marriage) that was good, like my marriage good. He left me, crying his heart out, he was so in love with me but he still left me. I was so wrong for that relationship, I didn't know how to be in a good one so I ran him off, kept trying to see how far I could push him before he would hit me, I was a drunk, being treated with kindness and real love was so new to me and I didn't know how to handle it so I drank. But yeah, he left me though and while we only had 1 year and not 10 like Mike and I do, I never thought he would leave me.....but yeah he left me (and that was the start of my descent into hell)

Mike has been nothing but kindness since the day I met him, still is nothing but kindness to me and we are separating. I took 4 years to myself between my ex-marriage and Mike, but it still wasn't enough to really love myself, I guess. While I was better, I didn't try to ever push Mike to hit me, he wouldn't even tolerate it, he would just walk away from me. I still didn't believe that I deserved this kindness, so I took drugs. After all this time being treated kindly is so foreign to me. I have to learn to let myself be loved. this sucks, am I too late?

I promise you this, if this marriage ends, it will not be the start of another descent into hell. I will never go back to norco again. So when you retell your story and you say you weren't Superman, don't forget to tell about all the times you were though. You really were. I mean I saw you sometimes as the lost little boy who just wants to make his mom happy and that's when I held you the tightest. Mostly you pushed me away. What I mean by that is you have MS and sometimes (most) of the time you don't want to be touched, and while not personal, I took it that way. I saw all the things you did behind the scenes for this family, us. I was never worried about anything because I knew you had it handled. I was safe, you were my safe place, my person, my soulmate. We didn't have much but we had each other and that's all I needed.

Now I am about to be 55 years old and on my own, this just fucking sucks. I'm not scared of being alone, I have done this many times, I just don't want to be alone. I want my marriage, I want this shit fixed right now, but this is beyond my control. ugh

I want to walk in from work and have Mike grab me passionately, tell me this was all a bad dream that he could never leave me...yeah but it's not all about me

something I have to work on, apparently

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