rotten

damn daylight savings

the sun is rising, and it's pretty. although people in the busses passing by look like skeletons to me, perhaps because of how tired i am, idk. my knee's been suuuper fucked up for a few days now, i think i'll need to make a call about it. it's the broken knee with the screws inside, yuck yuck yuck. i really don't wish to go through another surgery - not to mention the recovery - but i'm starting to feel like i might not have a choice if i wanna continue WALKING. the knee's given up a few times now, keeps locking up and is just so fuuucking painful, all the time. a few weeks back it snapped and the pain went away for a while, but it's back now and this time the snapping and cracking doesn't seem to fix any issues. i am pretty worried about it, i'm not gonna lie, as if i've understood correctly there's no 'cure' or fix for chondromalacia - not that i'm sure that's what this is, but it's definitely what's wrong with the other (stainless) knee, so i assume it's at least partially the issue with this one as well. even if might have more to do with the screw that can be felt under the knee cap... yuck yuck yuckkkkk. my ankle's been a bitch for a while now as well, so i guess it's possible that my body's just decided to suddenly have a problem with all of my cyborg parts. who knows. anyhow, i'm so not looking forward to figuring this shit out. 1 gram pills of paracetamol help a little bit, as does the magnesium spray - but that fucker *stings* and itches like crazy! idk if it's the menthol or whatever in it or the actual magnesium, and it may just be my hyper sensitive atopic skin, but booooy i'm not enjoying it.

daaaang i hate when we turn the clocks back, and we did it again. three, four or five hours ago - it always messes my brain up when this happens, so i'm not sure which is it. i gotta remember to turn the clock in my car too, and the microwave... thank britney the phone and laptop are self-imposed lol. i thought we decided to ditch the whole daylight saving fuckery a few years ago already, but nope, here we still are. fucking with the time like we always have. i just want it to stop! i'm not about that life, i just am not. i wanna be left alone. i wanna live in peace and without having to worry about never truly knowing what time it is, damn it! it's so stressful.

today i'm set to go to n's after she gets off from work - we're planning on having dinner & watching the 3rd harry potter movie. it's been mooonths since we watched the 2nd one, and i think we began this round in like, january? it's quite pathetic actually, but whatcha gonna do. at least we're still on it, right? i gotta remember to take with me the baby clothes i shopped for a whiiile back; they've just been sitting on my yellow desk for over a month now. i'm also planning on visiting the pharmacy (that's in the building n works at) before she's done, but we shall see, as i haven't slept yet... i don't know if i should just give up the idea of sleep altogheter for tonight. i could participate at the paja's 'cleaning fest' that starts at noon, but i don't know. i don't exactly have money for the parking and my bus card's out of value too, so. dunno. it could be fun though, and they promised pizza - so; free food. maybe it could be worth it?

sleep or not to sleep, that is the question. i do seem to keep yawning, so maybe i should try it? gotta brush my teeth first though, and sink my entire body into decubal - damn the eczema. i really wish for a healthier, less problematic skin. but i guess we can't always get what we want, huh? ughh, even the bare necessities are being way too much for me currently. i don't wanna deal with anything - the clock turning, my endless to do -list, my skin, all the frigging joint pain, cleaning, financial issues. none of it. i'm not even really sure why it's so overwhelming rn. everything is pretty okay, at least relatively okay. i don't feel the big black dog hoovering over me or hanging out all the time nowadays, i'm not actively even that anxious... i'm just not here for any of it. life, i mean. all the basic shit that shouldn't be overwhelming for anyone, happens to be just that for me. i just kinda wanna run away and not exist anymore. IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK?

apparently so. fuuuucckk meeeeee.