Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-10-31 00:24:29 (UTC)

cry baby

I had an amazing dinner with daughter and her boyfriend, we then watched Jeepers Creepers return or something like that. Then I come home.....to him here but still not talking with me. He did respond to one of the last couple entries "truth came out there. enjoy your dinner exactly why a separation is necessary to see which new you is here.

What the fuck does that mean???

I'm still the same me I just don't take norco now so I have nothing to hide or lie about...same me, a little more anxious than normal, not sure if the norco helped with that, or I am just having normal fucking anxieties about a serious fucking situation. I mean my husband is moving out

I was sad, then super sad, then more sad, then ok, then sad again, today I was pissed. So what that's normal, I'm not crazy I can't hold feelings in, I'm not yelling at him I am writing in my diary, if he chooses to read then that's on him.

One thing I know for certain in life, I will be ok. I don't have to like this journey and I don't have to agree with it, this isn't about me it's about Mike.

This just wasn't what I had planned at all, not at all. After all, all I have to do is smile at him and he melts, well he used to before September 7th 2022. He used to couldn't resist me, now that he has seen the real me underneath the mask I wore, I guess he couldn't handle it and that makes me so unbelievable sad. Mike was the 1 person left in the world that I always thought would stay with me no matter what, I honestly felt there was nothing I could do that would make him ever leave me, because that's how much he loved and adored me. I mean I knew there was a chance this marriage was over due to my deception, but I thought he would show me Grace. I really did.

I am so incredibly selfish, I honestly thought that if I went to rehab, gave it over to God, did everything that I could to learn how to fight this, that when I came home, life would be back to normal. I don't know why I thought it would be, I did a lot of damage, I need to repair this, but I can't if we aren't talking...

how the fuck can I fix this if we aren't even living together????

Peace begins within



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