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2022-10-30 18:25:48 (UTC)

I don't know what to do

I guess I don't understand a separation, I mean in my first marriage, all Les did was fuck other people more when we were separated, so I don't understand the idea of a separation with the idea of getting back together???

I am honestly 50 shades of fucked up right now, we still aren't talking, he stayed away all weekend (someone explain to me how the fuck this helps anything?) He says he loves me, just needs some space and for me not to give up on us???? what the actual fuck is that???

I'm stupid, I don't understand. He needs time??? time for what?? I have been away for over 30 days, why didn't you use that time to think about us?

I am completely selfish and needy, that much I will admit. He says I don't trust him; I will bring shit up in a year from now, doesn't he remember how much shit I forgave a man for 18 years, that I didn't even love like I do him???? I could forgive him anything, but he doesn't trust me enough, does that make sense?

my biggest fear is my own self, like after he actually leaves, will my attitude be one of fuck him I didn't need him anyways, I don't need anyone

will I see his actual leaving as another betrayal? why is he so willing to take a chance?

why is he just walking away from us so easy, no marriage counseling, no talking...fucking nothing, just "you dont trust me, i dont trust you, you want to take away everything I love, Im not changing? yeah right now, I am at the anger part of this shit, FUCK YOU Mike, it's not like things got a little hard and you ran, we have went through so many things in the last 10 years that only made us stronger, but this is the first time something huge comes along and you just bailed, you didn't fight. I know you say that I bailed a long time ago, but that's not true, I honestly thought we were happy. I was lost in addiction and the last year especially became the worse and I have apologized for that a million times, I didn't numb you out, I mean I didn't mean too, I was just numbing all the pain, I couldn't handle a break down, you needed me.

I don't know what to do, to fix this marriage, this is killing me. I am the let's fix this with sex type, obviously he isn't. Well, I mean he kind of is, like if we would start to be having a little spat I would put up my shirt and we would forget everything, or he would kiss my neck and it would be like what the fuck were we even talking about. But I have already manipulated him (his words) into it several times, he still wants to separate so that fucking sucks. Before he was never able to resist my beauty, now he just won't look at me (that hurts). He is able to resist me now, must make it easier knowing that I am a deceiver, I don't know how he can resist me. Which is absolutely not helping with these fucking random new insecurities I am having now. Breathe in, breathe out, this too shall pass

My daughter's boyfriend is taking us out to dinner tonight so that is nice, I don't want to go, but they wouldn't take no for an answer, so yeah good food finally, since Mike stopped cooking for me I have been eating a lot of microwave popcorn haha I suck

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