Lilac lavendar2

I feel some type of way

I literally feel like I just climbed out of my own personal hell, seriously, even though life on the outside was perfect, my hiding my drug addiction, the lies, the deception, the hurt (which did take me a long time to understand how my doing norco on my own, to myself, affected anyone else, I see it now) all the shame, guilt...yeah it was hell

I mean I feel so proud of myself, I finally slayed the dragon, demon, whatever. I literally walked through hell (remember no air, 6th floor no elevator, sweat in places I didn't even know I had, no make up, no hair brush) literal hell and slayed the mother fucken dragon/demon. I survived, and while I'm not stupid, I am aware that dragon/demon will always send more my way, now that he knows my weakness...but I beat his ass once before and I will do it again and big difference is now I am AWARE so I will be more prepared. In rehab, the first one, I had to write a goodbye letter to norco. It honestly was one of my finest writings, I wrote it like I was ending a 15 year off/on relationship. When I said I wanted to leave, they put me out and I got none of my letters or papers so that sucks. I fought rats (well if you consider jumping on my chair fighting, yeah, I fought rats) centipedes (well I seen 1, but yeah I didn't let it win that's what I mean when I fought it, I stayed), ex mother in law look alike (was her from the last time I seen her 10 years ago) I SURVIVED, so yeah, there's all these feelings of pride and joy and happiness

then there is all this sadness

ok, wait my cat just came to love on me, less sadness now...

I came home to an empty house, didn't do anything. Could have went to a meeting, could have done an online meeting, could have read, watched tv, anything, but I didn't feel like doing anything at all, this song Bruno Mar keeps playing in my head

Today, I don't feel like doing anything
I just wanna lay in my bed
Don't feel like picking up my phone
So leave a message at the tone
'Cause today, I swear, I'm not doing anything
Nothing at all
Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, ooh
Nothing at all
Woo-hoo, woo-hoo, ooh

so I just went to bed, I finally slept good, any noise I heard, honestly I didn't care, come in and kill me, I was so tired.

Now of course at 4am I am up, I'm going to try to lay back down though it's so dark still.

Today I promise you I will not let myself sit around in sadness, today there are many offers of things to do, today there is no reason for sadness. So I am taking a lazy day, but I will shower and get ready first because the minute I start to feel sorry or sad for myself I am outta here.

Today I am laying this marriage over to God, just like I did the norco. I need to step back and let someone else take control,

When I left on September 9th to go to rehab I left Mike a note, No matter how much rehab I get, I will never not be addicted to you and your neck kisses

So, I am just going to take everything I have just learned about quitting norco to use to quitting Mike, sounds silly but yes I am addicted to that man. Like norco I let him take full control over my life, he took care of my every need for the last 10 years, I never went without, today I sit here with no toilet paper (daughter is bringing some home when she gets up) no coffee, no coke, ugh he did bring me a vape and left some cash for me so I am not broke, filled my car up and paid the bills, I just have to actually go out in the real world, into a store...without drugs???? deep breath in deep breath out, Wednesday I go see the therapist, she will help me with these crazy ass anxieties and insecurities. I know what to do to deal with them, but at what point does it become too much and you need medicine to help? Some therapist said not to take anything for the first year off norco because my brain is still figuring out the dopamine and seratonine levels, but then others said if it gets too bad ask your doctor (still haven't found one that can get me in before the next year) It's just new feelings that's all, new feelings that I have always suppressed or numbed whatever, I just don't deal well with new shit I guess

But I know what to do, I am after all the queen of Plans, so I have lots of plans not to use, so no worries there (I'm telling you I gave it to God and he took it away) I was a lucky one, I am blessed

I feel like he forgives me, loves me and wants to be with me. I feel like he is mostly blaming himself for not seeing that I was using drugs, 'how could he be so stupid'. He didn't do enough (he couldn't possibly do any more) he just needs some time to his self to deal with all of this and it's a lot so I get that, don't understand, but I get it

still sucks, but I'm not going to be sad about it, not while there is still hope

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