Gentleman ♀

I Hate Middle School
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2022-10-25 23:16:18 (UTC)

To Die Or Not To Die? Is That Even A Question!?


I am going to fucking kill myself! Not literally of course, at least at the moment, but also, my life is heading to crap so quickly that I might be better off dead. My parents hate each other, I'm failing two classes, I have no motivation to do anything, and all my teachers already think I'm some juvenile delinquent for going on random websites during class. I have a nice new phone that I'm not allowed to use or even set up because of my grades and I'm grounded off the shitty phone I do have! Then on top of all of this, I can't see my counselor this week and my only other emotional support, Olivia, is grounded 'till Christmas. Fuck... I can't even look in the mirror... I hate myself! I don't even care if I fail anymore! My mom can take away everything, I just want to cry in my room all day. I don't even want to feel better! If I feel better then I'll just give myself false hope by getting my grades up a little only to fail again. I just want to tear myself out of my skin. I'm so ugly and lazy and useless I can't even bare to exist half the time.

I don't feel like doing anything. Yes I don't feel like doing homework but I also don't feel like doing art, or writing in this diary, or listening to music, or talking with my friends about anything funny. Honestly, I just want to mope around with Olivia over text and complain about how hard our little teenage lives are. How are we supposed to be good adults who do taxes and keep up a job if we can't even deal with school without cutting tons of holes in our skin? I want to be a good adult but you know, I might be better off dead. The only thing that's really keeping me from offing myself is the uncertainty of everything after death. What if your consciousness is just stuck in your corpse forever, just staring forever at the inside of your coffin? What if hell is real and we all go there? What if it's just nothing, not peace, not anger, not black, not white, just nothing? What if we're stuck wandering the earth but nobody can see you? What if it's the unimaginable? I can't do that. Being alive and miserable sometimes is much better than chancing what death is like.

How did this become me convincing myself not to commit suicide? Eh, at least my mind goes there instead of how peaceful it COULD be. I emphasize could because I know a lot of people on here who are really wishing for death. Kind of like Olivia. She keeps bringing up how she kinda sorta wants to kill herself and honestly, my entire table goes batshit. Especially me. I can't loose her! I end up listing tons or reasons to not die. Maybe I should make an entry on that. I like that, I think I will! I'll probably post it before this entry so if you happen to need it, it might be the entry before this or the entry after this. But anyway, I could literally go on forever with reasons to live. Life might be hard but it has its moments that make it all worth it.

I'd write more but I cant convince myself to do so. Maybe when I come back I'll be in an overall better mood. I'll see you then! Buh bye!

~ Gentleman