ok so there is now hope
Ok, so now there is a glimmer of hope, my whole mood changed, I was sad 'poor me, he doesn't want to talk to me' blah blah blah claims he is sick...duh he does actually have MS... to now I have hope. I did actually open the door to the bedroom, I was just going to talk anyways (it's who I am, added to the list of the many imperfections I am currently working on) but then just turned around and came out here and started listening to music.
He said I haven't changed, that makes me sad. He hasn't even noticed that I haven't watched any Housewives, Judge Judy, anything really, I haven't colored) I'm actually here and pretty damn clear, he just doesn't want to talk to me. I know why though, seriously, he can't resist me. I'm telling you we never fight, well there was this whole whose badder Superman or Batman thing we had ongoing (batman all the way) but we never fight. We have however, separated before, twice, yeah back 10 years ago in the early days (long story, old diary). We just loved each other too much, we tried to do the right thing, he couldn't stay away then, what makes him think he can now?
I'm actually better, especially now that I realized that what matters is the here and now. Mike has held himself accountable way worse than I or anyone else ever could of. I want to be there for him, he needs me right now, but we aren't talking right now. So I promise you that as of 9pm 10-26-22 all past deceptions are forgiven and wiped clean. Still know he is leaving, says I don't trust him, I say I do, but yeah, my mind still has 40 days of bullshit to go through so yeah....can't blame him. I do know that I have anxiety disorder of some sort that was why I self medicated. Now I am praying and doing meditation.
I wonder if he would let me go hug him, he is probably sleeping
I just wanted to tell him that I am so sorry for making him ever suffer, I never wanted for that to happen
and also just to let you know it doesn't matter how you tell the story you will always be my Superman, you watch I know you; you will move out but still be over here making sure I am taken care of.
forever your Queen~
This man can go leave and take all the time he needs to get his head on straight, most likely mine will never be on straight...ever, seriously
But I get it, my brain is still going to be fucked up for 40 more days. I told you, it just feels like it was so long ago, not even 3 months yet damn
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