rotten

oversleep trauma & the bathboat dilemma

why does oversleeping always feel like the world is ending? or rather; makes me *wish* it was. whenever i wake up realizing i've overslept i wanna die, and throw up. in that order. very few things make me want to die so actively as missing my alarms does, there's just an instant desperation of "there's no way life can go on after this" - it's a uniquely threatening feeling ... that just stays and stays and stays with you, at least til the end of the day. i think it's a mix of triggered trauma & feeling like a failure & being pissed about missing whatever-it-is & the fear of possible consequences (social/financial, confrontations, decelarations etc). and perhaps there's a hint of something primal in there as well as it's truly suuuuch a physical feeling as well, but idk. maybe it's just me. but i really don't think it is.

so yeah, i overslept. i only fell asleep around 6:30ish so it's no wonder my unconscious ass didn't give a singular fuck about the 8:20 alarm and didn't wake up before noon - i mean don't get me wrong, i got a pretty decent amount of sleep and that's always nice and all, just... the experience following this sleep wasn't exactly pleasant. luckily this time it was just a group where nobody else *needed* my attendanc-- hmm, maybe i jinxed the whole thing with my reply to that dude yesterday? i'm glad i never promised to be there, but still. it sucks. there's one more gathering before the schedule changes (tho i hope the bujo group continues on the next one as well) and i hope i'll make it into that one. i still constantly beat myself up for that time i missed the last of my adhd 'rehab' group's get-togethers - i never got ANY of the artwork i made during those ten weeks, i never got into the whatsapp group (if one ended up being made), i got no contact info on any of the peeps i really wanted to hang out with "irl". apparently it's not easy finding people online if you don't have any common acquaintances and all you know about them is their (fucking generic) first names and age-approximates. i contacted *two* of the workers in there to possibly 1) get my stuff & 2) find a way to contact a few of the group members / give them my info, but nope. apparently any of it wasn't possible. and i'll literally never forgive myself for missing that group sesh. tbh thinking about it still makes me cry.

i tried to be a winner and rid myself of all the actively-wanting-to-die that was happening by (first texting my best friend about it and then) getting myself ready as quickly as i could, and going to the paja anyway, even tho it'd been over an hour since the group had ended when i finally got there. i debated driving cause it would've been quicker, but ended up taking the bus anyway - only an idiot would spend money on gas & parking when 1) they didn't have any money, and/but 2) had access to their friend's travel card. there was a slot for doing whatever you wanted so i drank coffee, doom-scrolled and draw a few things. ahh, and realized the snack cookie i had grabbed had expired... OVER TWO YEARS AGO. it smelled like plastic, mannn it was gross. i wasn't feeling very social so i kept my headphones on the entire time, and everyone respected my personal space. did *not* leave the place feeling like a winner, i'll say that much.

my knees have been particularly fucked up today so walking hurt, but i still decided to go for a bathboat hunt after sulking at the paja for a few hours; whenever someone close to me has a baby i tend to gift them ainu's 'first bunny' plushies and those tiny little bath toy boats. el got a white bunny and a red boat, a a knitted turquoise bunny and a pink boat, j a navy bunny and a blue boat, s a simba plush blankie because m hates ainu bunnies and a yellow boat, ei a light blue bunny and a turquoise boat, L a purple bunny and i can't for the death of me remember what color her boat was but she got one, that's damn sure. perhaps lavender? light blue? anyway, i've bought those boats from flying tiger before, but of course now they didn't have any in stock. the lady behind the counter said "we had those when it was still summer, now it's almost christmas" - ??? like, what? it took me everything i had in me not to go "oh silly me, thinking kids bathed all year round!" *eye roll* i guess i'll have to figure out something else. prisma sells similar ones that are all cutesy pastel colors and made from some sorta eco material; those'd be more up my alley anyway, and i already have a green one for n & m's future baby - but here's the thing. because i'm neurotic like that, the idea of giving one of those to a & j's or m & t's babies (so t & probably n (she gets her name in the beginning of november)) bothers me because, you see, their siblings already have the tiger boats. and the boats STACK, so it's important. ok it's really not but to me it kinda is? i hope the tiger boats might stack with the "original" viking ones, but i don't know if they will. again i know i knowwww, # first world problems. but the idea of giving the kids boats that wouldn't stack with their sibling's boats gives me the same feeling as grabbing the first product on the shelf at the supermarket (or seeing someone i'm shopping with do that) would. ugggh even the thought makes my skin crawl and gives me the chills, ew ew eww. i refuse. ...and again realize how much i truly need therapy. sends halp!

i got n a beige bunny on my trip to the pharmacy (in the morning i realized i had ran out of clonidine). i should've asked the pharmacist about my itching problem, as it's driving me booonkeeeerss. i might need to contact a doctor as nothing seems to help. not decubal, hydrocortison, showering or allergy pills, and definitely not the scratching. and i haven't changed laundry detergents or anything in ages. even rn my hands, back, arms and scalp are making me insane, it's like my whole skin is burning. i tried to look if i could see any scabies' tunnels but i don't think so. hand, foot and mouth disease has been raging around like a plague but i haven't been around anyone who's had it, at least not to my knowledge. although apparently the incubation period is 3-7 days and i did hang around kids on saturday at the party... maybe i should ask my siblings about it. could just as well "only" be my atopic eczema though. you never know with my skin; that's the fun part! and we have had our first colder days - ohh i heard they're predicting a winter "from the 90's" a.k.a. an absolutely freezing one, so. yayyy. like the HS boils weren't painful enough, let's have a super duper bad eczema winter, because why the hell not. umm, do i always complain this much? am i always this pathetic? i guess so. wow. universe please stop enabling me.