Gone mental

Notes from my Black
2022-10-26 11:35:00 (UTC)

Imposter

I know it’s a thing. Every time I make a push to succeed, I wait for the hammer. I find myself overwhelmed by all that is required to make a living at this… make a life, period.

Maybe it’s cycle I go through. Maybe it’s just the ebb and flow of life. I am finding it a lot.

I tired. Yes. I’m not clear in my head. True. I feel forgetful. There is that as well. I also feel like if there is a problem, and there are a lot, it is not just my fault, it’s my job to fix it. Whether it is changing a light bulb, or showing up in a relationship. I am far too often shown how I fail in the latter. When we spend an afternoon “talking” and the only take away I have at the end is that I am garbage… something isn’t right.

I spent the afternoon just saying “ok” tk anything that sounded like I was supposed to acquiesce to it. I don’t know what I was expecting… I am by far the lesser being here. When it comes to right and wrong, my right doesn’t matter and if I push it, I will find that I’m blank, I’m wiped out, I’m not worthy of much of anything.

And she tells me it is all a story I make up in my head. I’m not insane. I’m not stupid. At least I didn’t used to think I was stupid.

I felt immense pressure yesterday. After hours long of beration I could find no reason to continue this relationship. I asked for a divorce 3x in a span of 10 minutes. When it all came down to it, I’ll tell Her in a week what I really want.

-respect
-kindness
-compassion
-trust
-SUPPORT




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