Today I am 50 days clean from norco. It sounds like nothing, it feels like years, but when I check the calendar it's just still not even 2 months yet. I'm going for the high number as my goal, I plan to go to the rehab center party they have for all to celebrate recovery and we can speak to the other ladies there if they want, but not until I get way more clean time in, I also know myself and this most likely will never happen, but who knows.
Physically I feel great, mentally, I'm kind of a fucked up mess, honestly. My brain just keeps focusing on why why why why was he so pissed i got out 2 days early, why why why why did he leave within an hour of me getting home from rehab??? Why is this marriage ending??? I mean I know why, what I guess I mean is, did we fight for it? I mean really? He says he did for years, I checked out. I mean I guess I did and for that I'm sorry. We didn't try marriage counseling or anything, it's just over because I can't blindly trust him. I could of forgave him anything that I saw on that statement, we could of worked through anything, but I can't blindly trust again. Part of my recovery.
This is the way I actually saw it playing out was either way:
he showed me the statement, and it was true he did actually screen shot me the actual statement, I would feel like an asshole for not trusting that he did screen shot me the whole thing and then I would become playful with him and we would end up making passionate love
Worse case scenario would be there was $600.00 used for gambling or whatever that he didn't want me to see, yeah not going to lie I would probably maybe bitch about it, but then the end result would be now you owe me $600, because that would be starting fresh and then he would become playful with me and we would end up making passionate love
but that's not how my plan worked out....
Anyways, even though my personal life is a mess, my mind is a mess, I can still see the many blessings I still have
Just for today I will open myself to all the love that is around me
I keep praying and meditating I am listening to music over and over, I am still