Slowly descending into madness
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2022-10-26 02:14:59 (UTC)

Hello world, I'm a control freak

Every time I go to the bathroom, my own scars scare the shit out of me. I have stopped wearing my glasses to the washroom so I don't have to look at myself. I'm blind without my glasses.

Not many people know that, but I am a control freak. I plan my days ahead. I have every little thing pre-planned. For example; I've heard this thing so many times, "Don't you ever worry about your career?" The answer is always no. Like I said, I plan things in a way that I don't have to worry about them. Speaking of careers, I have some good news, but I'll keep it to myself until I graduate or sth.

What went really wrong yesterday when things got out of my hands. Things were planned, but I never saw the wave of destruction coming my way. And I wasn't prepared for the heartbreak. This was something I had been giving effort for the last 7 days, so yes, clearly I broke down. There was no consolation. It was the last straw, I gave in to self-harm, I was hurting that much.

I'm unhinged after that. I'm unstable as fuck. I've been spiraling since then. It's the type of instability you can't figure out from outside. Everyone thinks that I am okay now. Here's a secret; I am not okay. With everything that has been going on, I feel like going out of the house with a gun and start killing people. (Un)fortunately I don't have a gun. With my family pressuring me into thinking about marriage, I feel like I'm losing control. I don't know how to deal with this.

You know what's sad? I have done everything so perfectly that they can't even find any reason except graduation why I should get married. You can't point at me career-wise, academic result-wise, ECA-wise or anything else-wise I've fucked up somewhere or sth. I don't know what else I can do in the right way. My mother is saying, because I have PCOS I need to get married asap and have a child and what the actual fuck... I don't even want children, I never wanted children.

What my parents don't understand is, I'm unable to have sexual relationships unless I'm doing it to hurt myself or I'm really in love with that or......both. I don't think there's any cure for that. I don't honestly think I'll ever heal. And I'm okay with it. The other person will not be okay with it.

It's October and it smells like instability, grief, and anger. Winter always starts like that for me, so it's nothing new.

On a more or less sad note, I was told by a faculty member, she took 2 semesters and she never saw me smile once. What do you even reply to this? I'm never in a happy mood? Seriously what do you say to this?

And oh I slipped off the guy who wanted to make out with me. Things get a bit tricky when men are in the higher position career-wise. But yo, I now know how to deal with this. The solution is, don't say no to their face, don't say yes to them either, keep em in the loop but don't ever meet them. That's all for today. :v