Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-10-24 22:40:35 (UTC)

Dear Chad,

Dang haven't written you in a long ass time. I talk to you every day though, or almost everyday. You were the only one who knew me, the real honest me 100%, you knew me and you still loved me. I do remember you saying that I was taking too many norco, you said not to take any more than 3 (my magic number) at any time, so I can honestly say only maybe 4 times did I take 4, you warned me. I also trusted you 100% with my soul, but re-reading my diary you betrayed (in an addicts mind) me a lot, and there were times that you felt that I betrayed you (in a fucked up state of mind), but I honestly believe that through it all we truly loved each other. You were my first true love, I mean loving a man (especially the lucky ones I encountered) was not the same as a son. What I mean is that you were the first person I put before my self.

It's coming up on 8 years since your death, guess what I thought I dealt with it, but yeah. you can see how that turned out. Anyways, while in rehab I finally accepted the fact that you died, how the fuck could I pretend for the past 8 years that I was okay was beyond me. You would be so proud I know, your mama is finally getting her brain back. The feelings I have are overwhelming I must say, I can see why I numbed them. Feelings suck, and right now things aren't going the way I planned (plan A) in my life so it just seems like all of this is coming fast that's all.

Mike said he knew I was just taking the pills because I wanted to be with you, he feels like he wasn't enough. I never tried to kill myself ever, I promise you (well I'm sure you know being in Heaven I imagine you know things) but I also didn't realize how bad I was slowly killing myself. By the grace of God, I never 'nodded' while driving a car and took out a family, by the Grace of God I am still alive. I did think about just dying 1 time right after you did, but only for a second, because while I would love to be with you, I still had Mike, Kim, my parents, you get it. I will see you soon enough and then I will be on your nerves the first 5 minutes, just kidding we will still be hugging in 5 minutes hahah, God how I miss your hugs. I couldn't have gotten through all of this without Mike, we picked the right one there that's for sure.

Well, as you can see I am currently looking for a place to live, so if you can pull any strings up there I would appreciate it

love you so much son, mom


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