rotten

psa: therapy putty is the shizz

i should vacuum, and do at least one load of laundry. i promised my OT. i got no sleep at all last night but today's been rather good regardless - i wasn't *as* late as i usually am from the OT and i think i might've even eaten something at some point during the night/morning? the sleepless night wasn't so bad either though, as i recently found out that parts 2 and 3 of a novel i read online a few years back had come out recently, so i spent the night reading. w got a proper morning walk and i showered (skipped washing my hair tho. gotta do that tomorrow), and i went grocery shopping afterwards. i've been active as hell and now i'm kinda running low on energy... still planning on the laundry and vacuuming tho. we made me a weekly program and i even crafted a magnet to keep it attatched to my fridge. it came out kinda childish looking but it has the big dipper on a night sky on it, accompanied with the words "to do", so. it'll have to do. my skin still itches like crazy but that might just be the weather getting colder - it's actually -2'C rn. the ground was frosty when i took w for her afternoon walk. it's wild. winter somehow manages to surprise me every single year. you'd think i'd learned by now, but nope.

the OT is really nice - today she told me we'd only have 2 more visits until the evaluation is done and it struck me that i'm soon gonna have to let her go. i hate connecting with actually competent professionals only to be forced to quit seeing them the second we're getting somewhere. we talked quite a lot about trauma today. it hadn't occured to me that my sensory sensitivities might not be *just* nepsy related, but actually caused by trauma too. i mean i do acknowldege that my being so highwired to moods and vibes and feelings and expectations and stuff like that is probably due to trauma, but i never considered my loathing of bright/targeted lights, glares/reflections, loud/unnecessary (and some times all kinds of) noise, bad/intense smells, certain tastes & textures of food, the feeling of having my hair down, wearing jewellery, itchy clothes or clothes with tags still intact or ones you could simply just 'feel' too much, etc... i never thought those might have moved to town with the same circus as all the other shit did, or/and at least were amplified by it. it made sense though, because ofcourse it did.

i got a blob of therapy putty from my OT, and let me tell you... THIS SHIT. it's probably the best thing i've ever touched and yes that includes all the nice hairdos i've ran my fingers through as well as all the lovely shoulders and penises and faces i've touched, those super soft blankets and even the dogs i've pet - ok, w excluded. she's seriously the best thing in my life in every way. the steering wheel of my nissan might also beat this putty but you get the zist. it's absolutely amazing. if anyone ever reads this, i highly recommend it. 7/5.

although the meeting was really great, parts of it yet again reminded me of what a fucker my own personal combo of issues is. especially discussing 'the window of tolerance' and self-regulating - hell, even recognizing the states/modes/whatever i'm in at different times. how am i supposed to know if i'm in a state of 'hypoarousal' or just tired because i haven't slept in 18 years? and aren't i pretty much always 'hyperaroused' (*insert lorelai gasping: "dirty!" here*) because of adhd, stress and anxiety? what if i'm *never* in my window of tolerance?? and how am i supposed to widen it if i don't even really understand the difference as i always feel like i'm everything all at once, literally all. of. the. time? i really don't know. when i left the appointment and sat in my car a thought ran through my mind: "if i could exterminate (yes like a dalek) either insomnia, adhd or trauma, which would i be most desperate to get rid of?" but right off the bat that's not even a question. idk if i'd even have the insomnia without all the trauma - heaven (or britney) knows i wouldn't have a lot of other issues if it weren't for the trauma - or how i would've learned to cope with adhd. if it weren't for the traumatizing events and conditions, who knows? maybe i would've been 'spotted' earlier if i wasn't such an over-the-top goody-two-shoes as a result of it all. all of these what-ifs are of course useless and will probably only make me (even more) bitter, so i should let them go. i know i should. but as i really am not a fan of 'life' in the first place, it's difficult.

i swear it was a good day despite of the rather dark vibe of this entry. and btw, i did vacuum. yay.