Diary writing person

Slowly descending into madness
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2022-10-24 20:09:41 (UTC)

Make out and anti cutter chronicles

Trigger warning: self harm, suicidal tendencies

There's a good news. Because of me, a2i has been granted a buttload of money from Gates Foundation. With it, they'll build a tech agricultural lab. Although I highly doubt it based on their track record. I'm happy because I'm good at research and making up bullshit reasons why I need money. This begging skill will hopefully come in handy in life.

New topic. A senior of mine 2 days ago hit me up. He, without any context asked me if I wanted to make out with him. Isn't it insane? Things you face when you face the world alone. Funny thing is, I know anyone would agree to this from my batch because he's an employee at some giant company everyone wants to get in. I'm disgusted and a bit intrigued because I'm in self-harm mode right now.

Whenever I take the 3:45 pm bus, I always want to stop by a stationary shop near my house to buy an anti cutter, my old one is v rusty. Everytime, I pass by the shop, I tell myself, I'll buy it another time, another day. Maybe someday when it's less sunny outside. Maybe when I wont carry a heavy bag with a laptop in it. Then I stop by to buy myself juice.

I cried in the bus for 2 hours, at some point I stopped breathing. Today when I got off the bus, it was heavily raining. I was wearing heavy make up and a saree still my primary concern was buying an anti cutter. Mascara running because I have been crying for 2 hours. You could take a look at my face and you would know something happened. So I stopped by the stationary shop and asked for an anti cutter. How stupid does one have to be not to realize that anti-cutter can't be sold to this girl? But he sold it to me anyway.

If you ask me what triggered me to spiral finally, I won't tell you. Never never never.

I was still crying when I got home. Took saree and make up off. I started laughing cause my old rusty anti-cutter was needed to cut the new one's packet wtf.

Got down to business. Blood drops like red beads started forming on my skin, I was crying so tears started falling and blending with the blood on my thigh. After awhile I was done with myself so I put the trousers on. Anger turned into grief, and grief turned into blood on my trousers. Now I have a high fever 🤭. I'll go for 2nd round later.😎 I just want to cut myself into pieces and looks like I wont stop. On a positive note: I forgot how easy it gets to cut with a new anti-cutter. It was like cutting butter with a knife. Easy, sharp, painful.

Thank God I didn’t end up calling him. Imagine handling some bitch while you're attending an international blockchain olympiad. That would have sucked because he told me to kill myself multiple times. If I killed myself then, I wouldn't want to call someone and disturb them. I should just die because dead people can't disturb other people.

I think I'm going to pass out very soon from the fever. Rip me.


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