Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-10-24 10:21:09 (UTC)

no more hope

So yesterday was a sappy ass day for me yesterday. I did manage to 'manipulate' Mike into 'having sex with me' and then later 'making love' to me, over the weekend. At first, he wasn't going to because this would just make it harder when I walk out the door Then I spent the day re-reading his old diary and mine (still reading damn I write a lot), that's what honestly makes this whole thing hard. We absolutely love each other of this I am sure, we were so in love when we first got together, we moved so fast, did so many things wrong, but so many things right.

Our lives are a series of lessons/patterns, I can see the pattern I am getting better each time, each relationship, but I still didn't quite catch the lesson....or did I? I can re-read Mike's short diary he had on here before and I can see the pattern, he didn't quite catch the lesson. My confusion here is if I can see the lesson now is it too late to break the cycle or do I have to move on to an entirely different person to see if I finally learned the lesson? I don't know if any of this makes sense, but I just feel like we didn't try. He says he has been trying the past couple years, well not fucking hard enough I say. I said that he never came out and said "I need you" he said he showed me in ways....miscommunication.

Which was all supposed to be solved October 3rd, we were going to start being 100% honest with each other, start over fresh. but I guess that was too much to hope for

He did come in and hold me last night as I tried to sleep, he has this shield up so I can't see his pain. I'm so sorry this happened to us!