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September 27th, 2019
from my old diary:
2019-09-27 20:18:39 (UTC)
Today I am sick, not dying sick but I just couldn't get out of bed and go to work sick. When I miss a day of work it messes us up bad, my alternator just went out so we are screwed there. Mike gets so upset when I miss a day, he is a push through it person, I am a stay in bed and take a mental health day. He says about every month I miss a day of work....but please note that I work 2 jobs, only work 2 or 3 nights a week but that waitressing at 52 isn't no joke, especially in on 3rd shift in the number 1 murder city in the world I think. Ok so if there is a pattern then plan for it, my boss doesn't care if I miss a day, I am not going to get fired, I am just going to ask for 5 personal days instead of a raise. I did that last time for holiday pay so I do get that.
I am sorry if I screwed us up financially....I just mentally and physically couldn't do it. I am going into work tomorrow for at least 3-4 hours so that will make up some time.
I think, well know that I have severe anxiety disorder, I can fake it for the world, go out smile spreading sunshine, loving everyone, working hard at the office, coming home mentally exhausted, knowing I have 3 hours before I have to go to pretend to be the happiest waitress ever. I succeed very well on the outside, I am the person that makes everyone laugh..or I try to. I am a good person. I care
But this fake energy is sooooo draining, so mostly when I am home I am sitting on the couch playing on my phone, watching netflix, this doesn't leave much time for poor sweet Mike. I have been ignoring him lately, well not, yes I have he goes to several growth groups, I have went once...I am just too tired from working and pretending to be this perfect person I don't want to have to go out and do it again, which isn't fair and I don't know how to fix this.
i haven't went to church in forever, Mike goes every week I need to start going I need to start going out places. I did go to my sister's new house and spend the night. She made me steak and we had a fire with my parents then when they left we drank beer and watched movies. We watched 5 feet apart about cystic fibrosis, then we watched a dog's journey. I loved both of them and I love my sister...damn they are so fucking rich....we go to the food bank.
but we both smoke and that is our biggest downfall...he can quit he does all the time but it's hard when your wife is still smoking. We moved to a new house and we don't smoke in here...so it's getting colder and colder outside so hopefully we can quit soon, I quit for 14 years so I know I can do it just gotta set my mind to it.
If anyone still reads this please pray for me to be lifted out of this depression that has taken hold of me, pray for me to start paying more attention to the one man who has stood by my side and kept me going and never let me down. I love my dear husband more that anything...he is truly my king.
But he handles the bills, so my missing today stresses him out which stress for ms is the worse....I am a true believer that it will all work out. It always does just have a mustard seed of faith.
peace begins with me