barefoot & barely lifelike
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the urge to lie to children
recently i read about someone who had told a bunch of kids that each human only gets a very limited amount of screams in their lifetime; they claimed they themselves had wasted all of theirs too early and therefore could scream no more, not even if they happened to need help. they even demonstrated "trying to scream" with no sound coming out. they did this for obvious reasons, and apparently it worked. scared the kids straight - or silent, more like. and that, men and gentleladies, is exactly the type of person i aspire to be. now this might be just the time spent at a 5 yo's birthday party (with another 5 yo an almost 1 yo a buncha adults) talking, but i meannnn... tbf tho i do wish i could trick a few adults into believing this lie as well... my ears are still ringing from all the noise. sighhh. BUT everybody survived! as far as i know we're all in our respective homes, alive. breathing and everything.
i'm not sure if mummu knew j, s & the kids were gonna be there, i think maybe not - but then again, i didn't know that j was gonna be there either. at some point a began to gush about her cousins coming over soon and mummu's face just went kinda blank when she learned they were on their way... but once they arrived i think all was fine. ish, at least. s went pretty straight to her with L and well, that lil baby would melt anyone's heart. i'd say s knew what she was doing haha, just making casual small talk like they saw each other all the time. my brother was his own unconcerned self but on our drive home i asked my parents if they'd spotted him talking to mummu at all and they said they did. and when we were leaving he promised her they'd visit now that they live so close and have their own car and everything. her response was only a little bit snarky so i assume they'll be okay. at least if the visits actually happen one day - and within like a year or something. i'm sure mummu is gonna (or already did) call pretty much half of the people she knows to rant about all this, but all in all i think babysteps were taken today, to the right direction. maybe there'll even be a day when i can meet up with my relatives without hearing about how rude my brother is for never contacting anyone, without me having to quote the bible with all that "not my brother's keeper" shit. maybe, just maybe.
it was super nice coming home to a clean(er) apartment. m had come around at four-ish, taken w out and given her some cottage cheese, as per my request. she didn't comment on the place until i asked if she noticed i had cleaned, then she went "YES!! gosh there was so much room it was almost weird haha", lmao. she's leaving for ostrobothnia tomorrow, she'll be gone for a week AND she said she'd leave her bus card for me! i love her. i mean she has already paid for the month and would have no use for it while she's away, but still. it's so generous of her, and solves the issue i would've had with transportation to the paja now that my own card's out of value and my bank account is pretty much empty. i honestly don't know how i'd survive if i was to be left completely on my own devices - when we were leaving my sister's, her fiance came knocking on my car window and shook my hand with a 50, and then in the car mummu gave me two 10's "for gas", even tho i only drove half way. i mean p probably wouldn't have accepted her money anyway, but y'know. i try to *only* love & be appreciative of people helping out and taking care of me, but the shame & quilt factors are hanging on pretttty tightly... that being said, i am really happy that now i don't need to stress about whether or not i'll be able to afford food in the upcoming weeks.
my skin itches like crazy, i don't know if i should shower or try putting on some lotion first. or maybe it's this robe i'm wearing? dunno. anyway, writing these entries has become a lifeline sort of a thing for me, in such a short period of time. it's weird. i think this kinda grounds me, enables my brain to simmer down, and makes me take a moment away from doom scrolling. i love the feeling of not needing to have anything to say - that's where the blog thing got bogged down everytime: nothing was good enough to post. now everything is, or rather i don't care that it's not, i just post anyway. and the best part is, this way i'm not adding into the collection of embarrassment-filled notebooks i gotta drag around with me each time i move (plus, this one i don't have to ask ma to burn if i die). dang, i hadn't even realized how much i missed keeping a diary. thank britney i'm here now.
ps. today's artist of choice has been jesse markin