Gentleman ♀

Bonjor 🐻‍❄️

Hi,

I’m soooo sorry for being gone for so long! I wrote in here one time and my teacher saw and blocked this site -_- . Now I’ve got A LOT of catching up to do. Like, first of all, I should probably go over what’s been going on with Sienna lately. Honestly, not too much. We say hi sometimes, and talked a few times, but after that kiss, we kinda got further apart. Idk if she’s just nervous or it didn’t feel right to her but either way I respect it. It’s not like she’s ignoring me so what can you do? You know? It’s a scary thing, really. Every time I see a couple I’m like “damn, I wish I had a girlfriend” but then every time I get the chance I don’t take it! Speaking of rejecting people, I have a question. Is it rude to reject someone based on how they dress? Like, not entirely, but it plays a part. Like with Olivia! I love her and all but she’s just so plain dressing. Just a graphic tee, a hoodie, and some jeans. Every day. Not even a notable outfit! Of course, it was mostly because I didn’t want to mess up our friendship but that doesn't mean it didn’t play a part. Whatever.

While we’re on the topic of relationships and Olivia though, Olivia’s been grounded ‘till Christmas. That’s three months! She can’t even trick or treat! All because she has a boyfriend. She tried to hide it but her parents saw the texts between her and Moose (it’s a nickname) and grounded her for a week. She then found a random old Samsung phone and texted him on that. When they found that she started talking to him over emails and google docs disguised as homework. Turns out, they found that too, and now she’s grounded for three months. I guess she got upset and cut her wrists again for the first time in years but her parents found that too and got mad about it! They threatened to throw her in a mental hospital and said “are you going to kill yourself by taking pills like a pussy or are you going to grow a pair of balls and throw yourself off a building!?” Olivia said she that for a second the thought she might just listen to him. Safe to say that after hearing this, my friends (Noah, Katie, and Zach) and I were practically fuming. We started joking that we were going to come over her house after school to tie her parents down and force feed them some ground beef and eggs (they’re vegan). Olivia was crying so I said “we’ll see who’s crying after they eat those poor innocent animals!” She brightened up a little but she was still obviously in a bad mood. She didn’t pack herself lunch either and she had no money in her account so she refused to buy. I couldn’t just let her starve so I gave her some carrots and my milk since I had a water bottle. Zach also gave her a french toast stick so there’s no way she’s gunna not eat. I love Olivia way too much to let her starve all because of her parents. I just wish there was more that I could do. Her phone’s been taken away so we can’t text and we can’t emai either so there’s not really any other options after that. I really wish Moose never existed.

I swear, my life’s already gone to shit. I’m so happy I have a dream for the future and friends who at least tolerate me, because if I didn’t, I might just join Olivia in throwing ourselves off a fucking roof! I just have no motivation at all! Nothing! I don’t do my homework and I don’t care that I don’t do my homework. I’d rather just fail if it wasn’t for my future and the fact that I appreciate having a phone. I cut again though. Once on my thigh, twice on my shoulder, and once on the back of my wrist. I don’t want to die, it’s just like punching a wall. I wan’t to put a hole in a wall without destroying my walls so instead I put a hole in my skin. I was just praying the other day, and I don’t even pray, but I was asking whoever’s up there to give me the motivation to make a life worth living for myself. I’m afraid that if I don’t I’ll kill myself. Not now or even soon but maybe after like mid 20’s. This is stupid, I cant kill myself. I won’t kill myself. I might think about it but the closest I ever want to get to that is like- sleeping.

You know, I think my friends hate me. Like, Riley and Kiarra are always doing fun stuff together without inviting me. They go to DQ after school, they go to Haloween parties, they even take each other on vacations. VACATIONS like multiple times!!! Why do they hate me! What the hell did I do wrong!? Am I just not fun anymore!? What the fuck is wrong with me? I honestly want to just cut a hole in my chest and rip my heart out because maybe then it won’t hurt this much. Even when we do stuff together like girlscouts Riley and Kiarra hang out together without waiting for me or anything. Riley’s always happy around Kiarra but not me, I’m just annoying and I put her in a bad mood. Vinny too! I’m just so fucking annoying that he can’t even bare to humor me by pretending to enjoy my company. He fucking hates me. I’m literally the worst friend out there. I’m mean, I’m not fun, I’m annoying, and I suck at just making things better. The only person who makes me feel okay is Olivia and she’s grounded for the next three months. Fuck…

Oh my fucking god, my mom just blocked GOOGLE CLASSROOM because she thought I might be doing something bad and off task on it. Like what the fuck kind of thing would I even be doing on it other than homework!? She can go to hell, honestly. She can just leave home and never come back and I won't even care for more than a week. Honestly, sometimes I wish she left. I remember when my parents almost got a divorce and my mom just up and left for like three days straight. One of the happiest three days of my life. I wish I was joking or being overdramatic but she honestly makes my life miserable. Like, yeah, when she’s good she’s great but when she's not at her 100% best she's such a bitch it makes me want to kill myself. But, like I said to Olivia, if your parents aren’t borderline abusive in some way you’re not being raised right. I gotta go, I'll write again soon, bye.

~ Gentleman