barefoot & barely lifelike
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2022-10-22 04:07:12 (UTC)

living in a landfill

why am i always tired af when the cleaning bug bites my ass? i got my entry way & bathroom tackled, and also two closets. the kitchen area is still a fatherfucking landfill. i don't understand how this always happens - every surface is filled with all sorts of crap. i've tried to patter "don't put it down, put it away" to myself like literally 24/7, YET STILL. somehow, here we find ourselves. i try to convince my brain that it could be worse; at least there's nothing on the floor, 95% of the clothes i have around are clean, nothing stinks, and if i could only get started, it wouldn't take long. although there'd still be some of the Mystical Piles around, and the enormous can of paint, and the clothes that need mending. i also don't have room for my sewing machine in any of my closets, so it just sits on my lovely but hideous yellow desk. i've wanted to tidy up this place for so long, again, but i think what inspired me to actually get something done tonight is the fact that tomorrow i'll be gone the entire day (because of a's birthday) and m promised she'd come around and walk w for me. she was here a few days ago and saw everything, and it's not the first time my apartment's a total mess (it's probably been even worse most times she's been here... it's so f'ing embarrassing, but whatchagonnado) but just. idk. i don't assume for her to hang out or anything, i just don't want the place to be disgusting.

i decided on a goal: going to bed at 5AM the latest. i'm waiting for my hair to air dry while i'm writing this, and i really should eat something - i ate nothing the whole day. dunno why. didn't feel like it. i went to the paja in the morning (and stayed for five hours, oops) and only grabbed an elovena snack cookie to go. had a cup of coffee with it, but that's it. i took my elvanse this morning so that might be why. i *thought about* eating, several times, it just didn't happen. but the day was quite good! i ended up leaving the big collage book home and took the tiny poetry one instead; i got three new poems done today and i really like them. enjoyed doing them too, managed to find a lot of good material to use. there were new (to me) people today, but they were as nice as the others. one played crappy music at one point though and i started to plot ripping his limbs apart, but luckily another guy felt the same way and actually opened his mouth (he was nice about it) before i executed any limb-ripping plans of mine. i signed up for something again - i seem to have forgotten the word "no". if i understood correctly it'll be a lunch in november where me and a bunch of others will be sharing our experiences and opinions about the encounters we've had with all kinds of professionals regarding mental health and shit like that, and there will be an international guide thingy made based on the things discussed. or something. the lady who talked me into it talked A LOT and also super fast, so i'm not really sure about any of it... but come 11/11, i'll be having lunch with her.

okaaaay, 15 minutes until bedtime, and i still gotta eat. i should also: find & write a card for a, wrap her present (or a part of it; a frozen themed puzzle - i'm planning on sewing some clothes / a hooded towel or something for her baby born doll in addition, but i wanna ask what she wants me to make, and i also wanna use some of the clothes she already has for patterns), and decide what on earth i'm gonna wear. one of my black dresses maybe? i'm not sure if i have any clean bras though... i was supposed to do a load of laundry today but like eating, that didn't happen. i was super tired when i came back from the paja and just played best fiends for HOURS before i began cleaning. it's so addictive it's insane...

ohh - fingers crossed no one dies tomorrow! at least s & the kids (i'm not sure about my brother) will be at a's party, and me & the folks are picking mummu up and bringing her with us... i suspect glares and perhaps tears, but let's hope that's all there's gonna be. also, my sister's annual cake mayhem was still going on around midnight, soooo. we'll see. britney help us all.