Anonymous

As an adult. I feel I lack ..

As an adult. I feel I lack real connections with people and I always try to keep everyone at a distance. At the same time I try to fit in and socialize. Doesn't make sense I know. I feel like as soon as I open up when I realize it I stop myself. I get the idea I want connections with people but then I think of all the ways It can go wrong. I was telling my husband today I didn't feel a connection with him. He's a recovering alcoholic if you can call it that. I've been thinking the last week about why we are together. I remember feeling like if he was drunk he couldn't see the real me. He wouldn't feel how I feel about myself. I have feelings of disgust towards myself. So I felt he would too. At the same time I wanted to feel loved even if it wasn't real. I realized in my previous relationships I would try to form my personality to fit what the other person wanted. I couldn't be up front about myself. With my husband I have managed to make him feel like a piece of a checklist. In a way I wonder that myself. I once asked a therapist if I was capable of loving someone. Of course she said because I was asking that question obviously I was capable. I really don't feel like I could make myself that vulnerable to someone else. I hold a lot back from my husband. I told him today I felt like our relationship was over. I've never been married before or had a relationship last this long. I keep reading about how people's marriages fizzle out or whatever. With him being sober most of the time I feel anxiety. I feel like at any moment he could see me for who I really am. I genuinely don't feel like I'm a good person. I know he needs to be sober for his health. I do encourage him not to drink but as I do that I pull away from him. I'll stay at work or school or be somewhere else. I told him I felt tempted to be with another person. No one specific. He didn't take me seriously. He changed the subject as usual. Over my relationships I realized I may have been love bombing people. At least the definition I looked up. That just makes me hate myself even more. I had asked my therapist the difference of being in love and loving the idea of being in love. I wonder if I just like the idea or if it's just something I felt I needed to do to prove something. Hell maybe both. I feel bad for my husband though because I don't know how I feel. When I tell him he won't talk about it. But it's not like he doesn't know. He says we are together for life regardless of what I say. I feel like I'm just messed up when it comes to this. For years I had never been pregnant. Randomly I found out I was pregnant. I was happy and scared about it. When I told him I didn't get the reaction I thought he would have. He seemed upset and disappointed. He seemed to force a smile. He got blackout drunk for days. He had always told me if I got pregnant he'd never drink again. But it went the complete opposite. I remember sitting in my car and crying. I was angry with myself. I asked myself why I would do that to myself. We went for an ultrasound to confirm and my husband smiled and said he loved me but when we got to the car he didn't want to talk about it. We told some of his family and they appeared disappointed. It seemed like no one was happy about it at all but me. A couple weeks later I had spotting. I went to the hospital after work. I felt completely stupid for not knowing anything about anything. She told me I had started to miscarry and sent me home. I got home and got in the shower. It felt like a bubble fell out of me for lack of a better description. And it smacked onto the floor of the tub. When I was pregnant I was definitely more emotional. I was crying hysterically and I yelled for my husband. He scooped the baby up and put it into a bag. The hospital said if anything fell out in chunks to bring it to the hospital so we did. I couldn't face it. I didn't want to think it was the baby. We went to the hospital and my brother and my mom were there for my mom's boyfriend. He had like a blood pressure issue. And she asked me what happened and the doctor was explaining I had miscarried. By this time I felt fine. I wasn't crying and I felt like my old self. This of course was after sitting for hours and hours in the hospital room. My brother asked if something was wrong with me because I wasn't upset. When I left and got home I felt relief. I felt relieved I wasn't bringing a child into the world because I felt the child would have the same life I did. Not having a father in the home. Financially struggling. I don't have anyone that I would trust to watch the child while I worked. My husband seemed to go downhill after that. He started drinking more excessively and became unable to hold a job. One night we had an argument about him drinking and I started moving my stuff out. I came back a couple hours later to get more stuff and he was drunk in the kitchen. He didn't look well and he was a complete mess. His mom and brother were there and were telling him he needed to go to the hospital. We finally convinced him to go and they said he had alcohol poisoning and they didn't know how he wasn't unconscious..he was committed for 2 weeks and lost his job. We were homeless for a year and staying wherever we could. I feel our relationship went downhill even more after that. Sometimes Ill look at him and tell myself I'm lucky to have him in my life. I can't really picture myself with anyone else. It's like my thoughts divide on a fence and go back and forth. I'm constantly thinking and questioning myself.