Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
2022-10-21 01:06:12 (UTC)

why?

why were you so pissed off that I came home early? why were you so mad? Your wife was just away for another 12 days. When I last saw you I thought we were good, honestly I thanked God that we were able to get through everything and just start fresh.

You left me.

We didn't have to talk about anything just at least hold me. I just went through some of the scariest shit I had ever been through just fucking hold me....you left me. just like the SURE I knew, I knew it was over then. You left me and went to a random hotel that you got for 2 nights (won't show me the receipt so I don't know if he already had to hotel remember I showed up 2 days early and he was PISSED. So he left me. He showed me who he really was, he left me when I needed him the most. We are broke as fuck a constant reminder he throws in my face because I wasn't working...OMG I was in fucking rehab, damn. We will be fine, he always stresses about money, which I found out before he found out about me (another whole long story) he doesn't have a real good 'handle on how to spend money', in ways shall I say non to pleasing. But I forgave everything on October 3rd...so after I don't know how many days of not talking we started talking about starting fresh. So I asked to see the bank account, starting from October 3rd on. I don't need to see anything else. He won't, he held up one transaction on his phone, but held it away from me, like for dear life...seriously. Then I asked him to go to the bank and get us a print out since he didn't want me to see his phone (not too cool on the whole lets trust each other fresh start) so that's it. I can actually go into the bank and get a statement but I don't need to see it, his not showing me it says it all. He thinks that we started over fresh, yeah we did October 3rd. He thinks me not trusting him is me lying, no you not showing me the bank statement is not allowing me to want to trust you.

a day or so later he sent me screen shots of our bank account....come on man, we are rebuilding our trust here. I see his side that I should just trust him and I do, but I have to know where we are both coming in from, does that make sense? I mean he knew what I was doing the last 2 weeks right? Come on I told him that his bothers me in my soul and I just can't blindly trust anymore. So he says this is all on me, duh I said that I take 100% responsibility for this ending

I tried I tried for 2 days, I can't. He won't show me the bank statement either from the bank (hard copy) or on his phone or computer, my name is on the account, but there has been deep deceit on both sides of this marriage, I told him we need to be open and honest. I told him he could drug test me any time whatever would make him feel better, he said "Oh I would never do that, i trust you" bull fucking shit. The first night I was bawling my eyes out (think this was between rehabs) I came out to the living room and prayed on the floor to the couch. Mike came out "omg are you ok? what did you take?" really, I was crying because I didn't know if I fucked up my marriage, I was going through all the emotions of losing Chad all over again, this time without numbing. but his first go to was "what did you take' he later explained that he was just freaked out I scared him on the floor kind crying on the couch it scared him and he apologized. But I mean would he really ever be able to trust me?

I know that for me I can't allow this to become an obsession in my mind. As sad as this is for me, I honestly feel like I'm about to bloom

I'm sorry that we are stuck at this stupid trust thing, I'm really sorry this story ended, it really was my most favorite one!



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