Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-10-20 23:51:02 (UTC)


The therapist I had in the second rehab was fabulous I loved her so much, anyways, she felt that I should have resentments against Mike and Chad for having to be their caretaker. I was like I have zero resentments about anything I did, zero, I did it out of love. She was like well it had to be hard taking care of your son and your husband at the same time. I said I felt like I was going to lose my mind sometimes but I honestly had no resentments about loving and caring for them. I said I did get pissed when I first found out Chad smoked pot but I didn't hold that resentment in I let him know, I spent 16 years taking care of him and trying to keep his lungs as healthy as possible so we could hold off for as long as we could for a miracle treatment but there was no resentment. I let him have it, it's all here somewhere on this diary site.

Mike said something tonight that really bother's the fuck out of me, I mean I guess this is what a trigger could be (I will work on this tomorrow)

about if I'm gonna talk about him in my diary at least don't make shit up. don't lie he is saying...basically calling me a liar. I mean that was a misunderstanding and he said he wasn't going to read this anymore. I don't care if he does, honestly, we aren't talking. so there's that

This is my space, I will not lie, what is done in the dark shall be brought to the light and anything that you have to hide you probably shouldn't be doing. I already took care of myself before I started writing this. My biggest fear in life is people knowing who I really am (a druggie, junkie, norco user) I will not lie, only tell my truth. There are always 3 sides his hers and the truth so this is my truth. What I mean when I say I took care of myself before I started writing this was I talked with my mom, I asked her if she cared if people knew about this issue, she said she wasn't going to talk about it if I didn't want to it was up to me, I was fine with it. I wasn't going to go take out a facebook post just yet but everyone I work with knows, so yeah another thing I learned in rehab, the 4 f's

If they ain't FEEDING me
If they ain't FUCKING me
If they ain't FINANCING me
I don't give a FUCK what they think of me

ok so we worked through that feeling....not quite anxiety, not stress but hey I'm still learning my feeling.

The biggest thing I hate in the whole world my whole life is a liar, September 6th 2022 I saw myself for who I was....a FUCKING LIAR

God how I failed myself once again...

damn I am too old to keep learning life fucking lessons

deep breath in deep breath out

Anyways back to this resentment list, part of the 12 steps. We had to write down the names of everyone we have resentments against, I only had 2, 1st abusive boyfriend, the second was my 1st husband. I couldn't think of anymore that's why she was digging I think to see if I resented Mike or Chad, I didn't. I had to write them letters to let them have it, and then we could just throw them away. This whole secret of writing shit down on paper and saying it out loud then crumbling it up (some people spit of it) then throwing it in the garbage works

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