Rantings of a restless mind
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2022-10-20 22:49:57 (UTC)

Wait What??

So the one consistency in my life has been my inconsistency. I have never stuck with anything for too long and if I began to have deeper feelings about someone or something... then most likely I would look for a reason to quit. I talk about "deep connections" seeking to make that one with someone who can meet me on my level... HAH!!! I CAN'T EVEN MAKE IT WITH MYSELF!!!! No wonder I keep attracting men who, for one reason or another, cannot "Meet me" where I want to be met. I was very blind to this until I had someone refuse to let me quit him. He showed me the mirror, that at that exact moment, I was willing to look into. Truth be told I was dealing with my healing and emotions on a superficial level. Emotional bypassing. Why?? I am not completely clear on this but if my inner voice is who I am hearing, then it is because at some point in my life I began to believe that "feeling" negative emotions or even showing that I was affected enough to have them, was either a weakness or a defect. So if a situation or person evoked that side of me, it was time to cut them off or walk away, etc... bc I did not want to be affected in such a way. I told myself it was bc of other reasons... didn't need the drama, emotional unavailability, I wasn't being valued, etc... so needless to say I went through people who triggered these deeper shadow feelings and actually the only people I allowed in my life were the people whom would never connect past a certain point... all the while waiting for them to do so. Crazy when you think about it but I realize that on a subconscious level, they were "safe" for me bc I would never have to go deeper than I was willing to go.
The other thing is this also affected the quality of my life and my efforts. I would get excited about something and be down to start but rarely did I ever finish anything. I even began to live like a hermit, hardly ever leaving my house, because I didn't have to deal with people. I told myself and others it was an energetic thing and while there is truth to that, I do know there are ways around it. I was just cutting myself off from the world. I have become very unmotivated and I believe it is because I am stuck. I have gone as far as I can go without diving deep and now the time has come to dive deep. I have been procrastinating for so long that now I procrastinate on EVERYTHING!!! This issue has manifested in so many areas of my life it is forcing me to face it... That's how it works folks... it keeps permeating every area of your life if you keep ignoring it. Like that wound you don't tend to.. it becomes infected, festering until the infection is in your blood and your whole body is being attacked, so now in order to be well, you have to treat the entire body instead of just the wound. That's ok though, everything in it's time and everything for a reason. I don't care how cliché that is, it is truth!!! I am excited and scared, but the one thing I know that will be the biggest help is to just let everything flow, whatever comes, I will let come and I will love it, no judgement. We will see what comes next.
Until then... Let Love Rule