Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-10-20 10:35:12 (UTC)

I knew people loved me

one thing I never knew is that people really love me <3

what I mean is I knew people loved me, but they didn't really even know me, so in my mind they didn't or couldn't love me.....

How could anyone love me? I was so filled with guilt, she is a fake, she isn't strong she is a fucking junkie, filled with shame, why wasn't I strong enough to just stop on my own? I was so afraid of someone seeing being this person I portrayed to the world, someone who was so broken who could love me? plus being in past abusive relationships with them telling me they didn't love me, no one loved me over and over

but now I have gotten rid of the "they don't love me, they don't care about me, it just doesn't fucking matter" and I can see how loved I really was/am

that's what I mean when I say one thing I never knew is that people really love me <3

I did, but I didn't

Right now everyone is treating me like a baby, I get it. I complained to Mike after the first week of the rehab when he came to see me for family fun day, he said you are a baby, you are learning life over without drugs like a baby. or something just like that, makes sense but that is a hard pill for me right now.

I don't want pity I guess, but I'm going to a NA meeting tonight and I will talk to someone there about it, also making a therapist appointment today and a new doctors appointment today. I put it off because I returned to work earlier than planned but there is no excuse, I'm going to red flag myself so I can't go sweet talk another doctor out of what I want. I'm not scared to go and tell them the truth I'm kind of just scared to see how much damage I did to myself...ugh I feel good though so there's that. I have to hold myself accountable. My girl from the second rehab, we were roomies the entire time, we are still texting every day, holding each other up. My parents and sister are checking in just the right amount.

Kim is non stop checking on me, she is so fucking proud of me. Everyone is, so am I. well everyone except Mike, and this just makes me so sad

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