rotten

nobody made me stare at a raisin

my kitchen window still fogs up, i don't know what that's all about. maybe i should call someone about it? when winter comes, that'll turn to ice... i don't think it's normal. it's been months already though and i haven't gotten around to do anything about it - except for those two small jars filled with rice i dumped in between the panes lmao - so i wouldn't hold my breath.

i went to the culture house (i'll call it 'paja'). i attended a group. me! i can barely believe it, but as today's headline states; nobody made me stare at a raisin. so i'll call it a win. a win-win, actually. i'll never forget that one time... annnyway. in the morning i was ready in time, took the bus - idk why it's so funny to me that bus in spanish is 'autobus' lmao tell me that isn't hilarious - and thought i didn't need to push the 'stop' button because *surely* many people would get off at my stop.. well, nobody did. including me. i was supposed to change buses but i decided to just walk from the next stop as it really wasn't far and i had time. the weather was freezing but otherwise really nice, and i bought an overpriced vitamin water on my way through the station tunnel. i was on time but they'd already started, i.e. introduced themselves, but it was fine. everyone was okay, all six of them. some a bit weird, sure, but hey. aren't we all. i had three journals to choose from and i picked the one that wasn't pink and had blank pages. had kinda ugly flowers on it tho, but i covered them up with what i think were paint example stickers. i got nothing useful done, talked too much and probably came across as arrogant and self-centered - so did an alltogether good job, lol.

i hung around at the paja for almost two extra hours just because i couldn't be bothered to leave, but then m texted me to ask if i wanted to go to ... a lean-to (laavu. why is english so weird? don't english-speakers ever leave town? what is this?) and ofcourse i did. i walked to ratina, she took a bus there, we did a quick stop in 'normal' and took a bus home. she walked w while i changed and boiled some water for the tea thermos. i only had one piece of firewood left in my trunk so we stopped to buy some more (there's wood at the lean-to but the saw is rusty as fuck and sometimes the axe ain't there i wouldn't trust any of us with it anyway lmao. ok maybe n, but she's pregnant, so... not today satan) and some sausages. that 40 L bag of split birch had almost tripled in price since i last bought one! insanity, pure insanity i tell you. welcome to the recession. i hate it here.

we had a lovely time. there were some families when we got there but they left soon upon our arrival, the sunset was gorgeous, the black pepper & feta cheese sausages were amazing, the tea warmed us up just enough and yeah. t'was really nice to just hang out and catch up, felt like it'd been forever since we last did that. i took them both home afterwards cuz i'm a good person (m paid for the firewood & the food) and then i spent almost thr-- no, almost *five* hours on the phone with my mum. i love that too! it feels like we're just hanging out. we discussed a's b-day party (that'll be happening on saturday), what to get her (her being the child who has everything), duolingo and how weird of a language spanish is (hebrew, russian & german too lol) and how much i still hate the update & envy my mum for still having the old, way better version. i told her about paja and she told me how they've been doing. OHH and we also talked about christmas! i'm gonna start a new paragraph on this, because i'm a fucking genius.

i realized that now that j & s (and e & L) live here, we should totally gather at theirs for xmas. I. COULD. SLEEP. AT. HOME. in my own bed. AT CHRISTMAS. w could stay here and avoid L's enthusiastic baby claws - it's a 10-15 mins drive, at xmas probs more like 10. i could escape any time, whenever i got overwhelmed. mum could stay at my place, my stepdad drive up and only stay for as long as he really wants to, and my sister's family could stay at m's (she's going back home for xmas anyway and actually offered before i even realized to ask, just went like "there's my bed and the couch bed and you have the key and everything!" (i love her)) - and i (we; mum and i) could have some PEACE in the middle of the chaos that's inevitable. it would be luxurious. the best damn family xmas ever. i wouldn't need any other presents if i could have this, i swear. i really hope s & j are up for it and haven't planned going to s's parents or something. christmas always stresses me out. i'm the only 'single unit' in my family, especially on occasions where i can't bring w. i mean i am my mum's favorite (it's no secret) and ofcourse the kids are there, and i have my mission; to make L into a total auntie's gal now that my mum already has e & a wrapped around her mamma fingers.. and ofcourse at xmas, no matter where we're spending it, there's a fuckton of shit to do and stress about. but still, everyone else moves in pairs/family units. usually i don't really mind, but at xmas it's always a bit too obvious that i'm the rotten and useless spare tire in the trunk of the family bus. OK that's that about this subject for now, let's just hope i'll end up getting the xmas of my dreams (= at home but not alone). fingers crossed!!

i might go back to the paja tomorrow, if i can get myself up in time to shower (seriously doubt it tho). i could be there froooom 10 to 14:30 tomorrow, i think. if i'll start to go more frequently, i might need to try and save money for a season ticket, or i might ask around if there's any way i could get some financial aid in the form of a bus card. either way, now it's almost half past four. am! if i won't try sleeping now i'll literally never sleep again. it's been like three days with only five-ish hours of sleep altogether... how am i still alive? don't know. the dipshit who's supposed to be my 'online therapist' got me an extension on the therapy app, so i actually feel a tad bad calling him a dipshit. he's a dipshit too though, no ragrets. ok this entry is already messy and long and all-over-the-place and i need to brush my teeth and turn on a buncha alarms, so. bye!