Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-10-19 21:46:57 (UTC)

it's so awkward right now

Mike is home, we aren't talking...there isn't really anything else to talk about. We are at a standoff, but I haven't gotten a check for all of October and won't get one for about 2 1/2 more weeks so we have no choice but to stay in the same house together right now. I will leave as soon as I can, neither one of us really needs this big of a place, I don't want the yard work, I'm more of an apartment girl. I would rather get a cheap place and have more spending money, or...gulp, maybe even save some money for the first time in my life.

I returned to work yesterday a known addict, I was so scared, I can't explain the anxieties...would I be fired? I mean I didn't even call them I just ditched, ghosted them since September 8th I called in sick, on the 9th I sent a text stating that I was still not feeling well but that I did have an appointment at 1pm....then nothing until my daughter text "hey my mom's coming back tomorrow" ...did I mention I work with my daughter? my boss N texted back "have your mom call me before she come in ok?"

pure terror, I text my plan A, he just responded call her, ok that helps soothe my soul not

well I waited about 3pm I was so scared, I was thinking she was going to fire me, or worse yet say she was ashamed of me or disappointment in me, but then I thought damn I was just offered a job so maybe this is God's will...then I called, when she answered the phone she sounded so sad and depressed (not kidding ask my daughter I had it on speaker)

hello this is N

deep breathe here goes nothing: Hey N it's Michele how the heck are you?

She started bawling "oh my God Michele it's so good to hear your voice, I have missed you....but wait are you good? are you sure you are ready to come back here? I want you to be ok, but oh God how I have missed you, more boo hooing from both of us I told her I was ready, my mind actually feels clearer than it ever has before.

I can't tell you how happy that phone call made me

I am learning how to control my anxieties for the first time in my life, if there is something I feel like I might start obsessing on I just have to do it I can't allow myself to stress or obsess about anything.

After my plan a just said to just "call her" even tho my anxieties were at 100, I made my plan b, daughter sing loud and dance with me, then I just called. Normally I would have obsessed for hours over this feeling over being fired and running all kind of thoughts ALL BAD in my head but I took a deep breath and fucking did it. And it turned out wonderful, one thing I never knew is that people really love me <3

Like I was super anxious when I walked into Church alone knowing people knew...I was exposed but I held my head high and not one person
made me feel less than or looked down on, I felt nothing but love and I was an actual walking testimony to God removing this need from my life. And it turned out wonderful, one thing I never knew is that people really love me <3

I went and had a heartfelt conversation with my parents, I spoke my truth from my child memory, we had tears and I felt so much love. And it turned out wonderful, one thing I never knew is that people really love me <3

I walked into work and everyone hugged me told me they loved me and missed me, it was so nice and so warm. No judgement just love.
And it turned out wonderful, one thing I never knew is that people really love me <3

Everything turned out great except I lost the love of my life....