Never Broken
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2022-10-19 11:27:20 (UTC)

Anxiety caught up with me again…

Anxiety has been chasing me for days and it has finally caught up with me again. I am actually physically ill from it. The symptoms are unimportant. They are here, and that’s all that matters at this moment in time. I am truly feeling sorry for myself on this day. You see, I knew things would be hard after Constance died. I knew it as an abstract. I knew it as one knows that being chased by a serial killer is frightening. Something one knows but has never personally experienced. It is so consuming, so pervasive that I cannot think straight. It dogs me in my sleep, during my waking moments, all the time.

I do not know if it has ever been this bad. It has, but only for short bursts. Never long term like this.

I find it amazing that I can’t seem to take my own advice. I can’t seem to trust in God when I need Him the most. Is that because, on some level, I do not believe? No, not at all. I see God’s hand at work in everything. I just…. Have control issues?

God help me,