Anxiety caught up with me again…
Anxiety has been chasing me for days and it has finally caught up with me again. I am actually physically ill from it. The symptoms are unimportant. They are here, and that’s all that matters at this moment in time. I am truly feeling sorry for myself on this day. You see, I knew things would be hard after Constance died. I knew it as an abstract. I knew it as one knows that being chased by a serial killer is frightening. Something one knows but has never personally experienced. It is so consuming, so pervasive that I cannot think straight. It dogs me in my sleep, during my waking moments, all the time.
I do not know if it has ever been this bad. It has, but only for short bursts. Never long term like this.
I find it amazing that I can’t seem to take my own advice. I can’t seem to trust in God when I need Him the most. Is that because, on some level, I do not believe? No, not at all. I see God’s hand at work in everything. I just…. Have control issues?
God help me,