barefoot & barely lifelike
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an attempt was made
first i made an attempt at bringing myself back to life - i dyed my hair (and took a shower, obviously... i don't even know how long it had been. and as a lover of showers (hey that kinda rhymes, fun) that really says something about how life's been lately) and before that i vacuumed (no corpses spotted). there's still a buunch to do around here, as pretty much everything's gotten out of hand during these three weeks of being sick, but since w will apparently neeveeeer quit shedding damn it, vacuuming was the necessarity numero uno. dang that reminds me, i burned a streak freeze on duolingo again today. always pisses me off. it's happened like 30 times during this year of me playing and gosh darn it! that being said, i really enjoy spanish. my spanish xp already overtook my german xp. nothing's gonna top swedish though, and i should get back to it, to maintain it, before i forget everything. after all that and m were the main reason i downloaded the app in the first place and i don't wanna forget that. spanish is easier than swedish for me though, it feels more logical. ofcourse i'm still *better* with swedish as i've actually spent 3 years studying it in school once, but y'know. too bad i don't think i'll ever need to use sentences like "la universidad quiere comprar mas boligrafos" but still.
okay that was a little d-tour - thanks, brain. and skipped meds. everytime i'm not on elvanse and my brain takes more elaborated and intense d-tours my mind always goes to "is this really how i'm like? is this what i've always been like? why do i have ANY friends?!?" and that sucks. i'd like to not loathe the way my brain naturally works, and i know there's not really a reason for it - at least not regarding this - it's just the social cues and shit i've picked up during the years of, umm, being alive, lol. the society sucks. tho i guess it's also my brain that does, because i'm also really highwired to efficiency... i truly am my own worst enemy. i wonder if it's even possible to learn to live contently with all the discrepancies of a brain like mine? i view things like personality tests as pseudo dibadaba (for obvious reasons, and because they've always caused me crises) but those, especially the myers-briggs type indicator, has helped me contextualize(?) why perhaps it is that everything is so difficult and confusing for me. like with each of the letter placements, each scale/binary (I/E, S/N, F/T, J/P, i think), i'm never just one or the other or even more of one than the other (except maybe for the I... and the J... hmm i'm gonna roll with it anyway) AND while i know there's a lot of people who aren't, that none of us are that simple and pretty much anyone could fit into any of the personality types, that's not what i mean. like everytime i've been in class or some other group where we've taken the test, most people fall into the binaries or are clearly more of a thinkers than feelers or the other way around, but i feel like with most of those i'm equally a 100 % of both ends. even with the extrovert/introvert actually - i used to think of myself as an extrovert but as an adult, both looking back and with how i currently am, i've realized i'm definitely more introverted, no question about it. but i don't think i would be without all the trauma. i used to need to be around people to avoid my own thoughts and feelings and because i craved acceptance and the feeling of belonging (both of which i've since realized i will never achieve) but i've always been the type who needs alone time to recharge. nowadays it's exhausting - yet also completely lovely at times - to socialize. but i don't it would be if i wasn't so insecure, if i wasn't such a mood thermometer in a human form, if i didn't feel resposible for absolutely every thing and every one under the sky. i think by default, as if there was such a thing, i would be equally 100 % introverted and 100 % extroverted. the point is: none of that 50-50 bs. OK that was perhaps a d-tour of a d-tour of the first d-tour, but what i'm trying to put into words is that i guess it's - or should be - no wonder things like MAKING DECISIONS are hella hard for me.
the past paragraph might count as an attempt too but what was originally gonna be the second attempt i wanted to discuss; i went to the culture house. okay, that's a lie. i TRIED to go, hence "an attempt was made". i got no sleep last night (fuckshitpenis that reminds me i only have one more day to finish the current phase of the online therapy for my insomnia fuckfucketyfuuuck) yet still somehow managed to start pulling myself together too late. i was feeling uneasy and for some reason even more insecure than usually, so i created a super nice makeup look, changed my clothes three times, put on 'the scent for her' (my nicest perfume & the only one i own that's not unisex, idak why but it's my go-to on my worst days) and packed two water bottles instead of just one. i was nervous-sweating, and it's been quite a while since that last happened - which i was kinda glad to realize. i guess it's just the stress of starting a new thing, being a first-timer somewhere (tho i did visit last week, but like. i didn't attend a group then. it was like 10:55 when i took w out, (i thought) the group started at 11. i parked near the place at around 18 minutes past that, and just. sat in my car, unable to move. i was reading a shitty novel online and couldn't stop, couldn't make myself to get up and go inside. i texted my bfff and for some reason checked the group calendar - only to realize the group i wanted to attend wasn't on tuesday, but on wednesday, lol. even if i wasted gas and everything, i was kinda relieved. i don't think all the stressing was for nothing either, i think that it will now be easier to go. and i'm planning to, today. it also made me like 234 % more stressed to think about going in and being late, so today i'm gonna try even harder to be there in time. i'm planning on taking the bus so i don't have to worry about parking fees, but we'll see how it all goes. when i realized the group wasn't actually until today, i texted m and drove at her place. she came home from her bf's place in half an hour and we had brunch and hung out until she had to go. i came home and sat in my car reading for like another hour, waiting for the rain to stop, and when i got in i zoned out and eventually fell asleep. i think i got like five hours in and woke up around 2am... so. i'm still wearing the same makeup look. it's 7:21 now, i'm planning on starting to get ready at 8:30 this time, as i'm sure i'll lose time in the process... now i'll gotta look up the bus schedules.
oh - my favorite band in the entire world recently come out with a new album, and that's what i've been listening to for a few days now. it's been nine years since the last one - they've mostly done lego ninjago music between now and then lol. it doesn't interest me at all, even tho i'm sure the music is good and most of the time i wouldn't even realize the lyrics are lego, but just, no. i don't know why that is, and maybe it's weird since it's my favorite band, but i don't care. i'd like to think it's healthy, not to love or care about everything they do just because i generally love them. it's funny anyway, as i recognize they're not actually the best band in the universe by any means and i get why many people would probably call the music boring and one-dimensional and things like that. it's just that for me it's ... familiar. comfortable. makes me happy. and i love that the new album, even after all these years!, brings me the same amount of comfort and joy as their old stuff. heck yeah, the fold for lyfe. maybe i'm a weird fan but idc. i've never understood fandom culture to it's core anyway. now, do i wanna wash my hair again or no?
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