Lilac lavendar2

September 7th 2022

I woke up 24 hours with no Norco, I knew the war was over just not sure how is was about to stop (i called it a crazy train ride, eventually the doctor is going to say no I can't give you anymore right?) if when I went to call in for Mike script that day the doctor might need to see him before the refill (this doctor only made us see him 1 time a year to get the script) but I was so focused on when I could call in another script. So I was about to call in to the doctor's office to refill Mike's script. I always made sure to wait until like 1am to call in for the script so it didn't seem like I was really needing it, "oh yeah, no it's ok if you can't call it in tomorrow" knowing I had just enough to get through til then. then for the last 5 years I worked at the pharmacy that filled them.

Anyways, even though I knew this war between the little devils was over I still had a plan. I was just going to get his refill he didn't know about and replace the ones I stole...simple right???

ugh..

MICHELE CALL ME NOW

The most hugest (not sure thats a word) ball of anxiety came over me, in my chest I couldn't breathe. I am proud of the fact that I took ownership of my drug abuse.

back up in 2020 Mike freaked out over this whole covid thing, so he went on a major ass health kick, quit smoking, quit norco, started exercising. He got healthier I flipped the fuck out. Mike was super sick, I mean sick sick I watched my son die of cystic fibrosis, but I was scared for almost 3 months that Mike was dying. We couldn't go to a hospital because of all this covid, nothing was open it was just me and Mike. It scared me more than I would of ever let him know. I always tried to remain light and carefree, but it fucked me up. So Mike went up I went down. Mike stopped the norco cold turkey nothing..Mike is not an addict. Mike stopped but his sweet loving kind wife, forgot to tell the doctor and kept calling in the scripts. 2021 I had to confess what I was doing to Mike since his appointment to refill the norco, or as Mike was told, his yearly physical. I was so frightened to tell him, but it was so easy. He yelled for a few minutes might have been a lot longer but in my mind (back then) it wasn't so bad. He went to the doctor told them he wasn't taking the norco, told the office manager not to let anyone call in his scripts and thought it was over. I waited a week, I was just going to play stupid if she said oh he doesn't want anyone to call those it...but she didn't. So for another year I called in scripts for him. He was getting 60 pills every 17 days.

So I confessed when he asked me, he thought I sold them, no I took them. He said there was no way 60 pills were gone in 14 days, in my sick mind (quick note I had been seriously trying to quit in the last 3 months...not with success) I was thinking you should be proud of me that normally only lasts 4-5 days...see I was trying to quit. yeah I can see the fucked up thinking now.

He said he made an appointment with the pastor and if I wanted to save this marriage I would agree to whatever the pastor said, I was like thank you Jesus finally this is out of my hands because obviously I couldn't handle this anymore. The week before I took him to the hospital for chest pains and rapid heartrate. We spent 13 hours there watching overdose after overdose, then a week later he finds out his own wife is an addict? This was Wednesday the appointment was Friday and he asked not to talk until then, he didn't even want to see me, I was like sure I will cover my eyes when you get home and put on my invisible shield what the fuck?

So we didn't talk.