Lilac lavendar2

Starting over
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2022-10-18 23:01:32 (UTC)

Deep breath in deep breath out

Ok, just so you understand why this entry is so hard for me to write, I feel like I am about to be exposed as a fake and a fraud. What I have learned in the last 6 weeks of inpatient rehab... that this is simply not true, anything I said or did from the goodness of my heart is not fake or fraudulent. I started on this site back in 2007 or 08 when I was going through a shitty fucking marriage, taking care of a child with cystic fibrosis, also a little girl who wanted to grow up too fast. I made it through all that and it was hard and very shitty. Then I was single for 4 years so this site helped me get through as a single woman. Then the last diary I met the love of my life, that one is my favorite diary <3 This site also helped me get over the death of my son. Well now I am here to introduce the real me.... name is Michele and I am an addict. My biggest fear of not asking for help was people judging me and thinking the worst of me, so I hid it from everyone, I mean everyone, even my husband who treated me like a Queen. I tried to stop numerous times, but I couldn't do it. I tried I can't tell you how many nights I begged God to take this craving away from me, but let me tell you, those cartoons about the little devil and angel on the shoulders are real! Their actual fight over the last 3 Norco I took, I swear to God I seen the angel was so over my bullshit, I seriously got the "Look your mama used to give you" but the devil was like...come on, he never does nothing about it. So he always won, but when I tell you I got the look, I knew, I knew in the pit of my stomach the angel was done playing games...but I took them anyways. So while I wasn't quite sure how my norco (It's no longer going to be spelled with a capital, not worthy of one) train was ending, I knew right then on September 6th, 2022 at exactly 5am (42.61 days as I type this) I took my very last 3 norcos. The next day is when shit hit the fan. I am getting ahead of myself

Anyways, long story short, from the very first Norco I took, I was hooked. For a few hours I felt like Heaven was reaching down and hugging me, my marriage (1st one) didn't suck ass, my son wasn't dying....I can't explain. That first high grabbed me so tight and held on for life. I took Norco off and on for a couple of years from a doctor then she randomly drug tested me and a pot brownie showed up in my urine (I did write about the pot brownie and her discharging me as a patient in another diary but I just didn't mention that I was only there for the Norco.) see where I feel like a liar? I didn't feel I was lying I just didn't tell anyone. When people would say OMG you are so strong, brave whatever kind words people have said to me I feel like a fraud because I was so fucking broken inside that I wasn't holding myself together by numbing all the pain.

Anyways after I lost the doctor I got them for really good deals at work, as I used to be and Admin Asst to the Director of Security, so I knew who all the dealers were and I certainly wasn't going to tell on them if they hooked me up. Then I met Mike he knew I was doing them, not to the extent but like I said I hid it from everyone. Once Mike found out I was buying them he started crying, not like a baby crying but because he really loved me crying, it made me feel horrible so I stopped. Then I went drug shopping to a known doctor (who was later busted for giving shit like candy) but he told me I was out of shape, depressed anyways, he only gave me a 30 pill script, but I had Mike. So we would walk all the time, we went on a cruise, we got engaged. Then we got home he was diagnosed with MS, I wasn't going to leave him so we married in 10 days had a wedding fucking thrown for us (old diary) I am so thankful that I have been writing (well not in a really long time) in these over the years.

whew...that was a lot