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2022-10-17 22:50:00 (UTC)

I can’t do this anymore

I can’t do the happiness or the bouts of sadness. I cannot do the irritation or frustration. I can’t do the awkwardness or distractions or refocusing. I can’t do this come back crap. This thinking. This disgust. This hate. This low self esteem. This manic confidence. I can’t. I’m not drinking anymore frappes because I just know that caffeine is doing something To my energy levels which does something to my mood and motivation.

I can’t do it anymore. So I won’t. I’m done. That’s all. I’m tired so I’m gonna- I don’t want to sleep because I don’t want to wake up and do more and go back. I just can’t can’t can’t. I don’t want to go to Pinterest. I know how this goes. I don’t want to go back. I’ll hurt myself and fall again. I always do.

I think that.
I think.
Everyone’s experience must be unique. Unique enough that nothing anyone else says or does has anything to do with my life and the way that I’ll feel.

I’m so tired and I so don’t want to go back.
This feels surreal.

I’ll get a new book when I get back and watch some tv and everything will be fine.

Except it won’t. I don’t want to go back.
I don’t want to do it anymore.
I’m tired of it.
It puts my emotions on go every time even though I try to stay calm. My thoughts push me around.
I don’t want to go back.
There’s nothing to make up for the days I have to go through to finish. Short term suffering for long term rewards. I don’t care. Im tired. It makes me sad. I don’t want to go back.

I think I need a new obsession. I had Attack on Titan but that truly came to an end.