A lifetime of pain and healing
After being sexually abused ..
After being sexually abused and having social services visit. My mom's boyfriend had to go to anger management classes and parenting classes. Not that it helped. He was hyper focused on me even more after that. I walked on my toes and sometimes still do. But I had a doctor visit and the doctor said me walking on my toes could create issues later on in my legs. When I got home I was walking around and he stopped me and told me to stop walking on my toes. After several times of him telling me he became angry. He got 2 zippo lighters and told me to stand still on my toes. He lit both lighters and places them under the heels of my feet. The flame burned my feet and I stepped away from them. He grabbed my arm and said If I moved I was going to get my ass busted. He put the flames under my feet again. I stood as long as I could take it. Which was a few seconds and I stepped away. He said okay lay down on the floor. I'm going to find a way to punish you that doesn't leave marks. He got a wooden spoon out of the drawer and sat down in a kitchen chair. He grabbed both my ankles and dragged me to him he held both my feet together with one hand by my ankles and began hitting the bottom of my feet hard with the spoon. My feet are very sensitive and ticklish. As he was hitting my feet I was pulling away. My left foot got free and he had my other foot. When he smacked my foot with the spoon again I took the other foot and kicked him in the genitals. He let me go and I scooted back from him. He dropped the spoon as soon as I kicked him and curled up in fetal position and fell onto the floor. He said you stupid bitch wait until I get my hands on you. I got up and ran to my mom's room where she was and got under her blanket with her and hugged onto her. She was irritated and said what what. Her boyfriend came into the room and said get the fuck out of my bed. He told my mom I kicked him in his genitals and I had already started getting off their bed. He had pulled his belt off before he got to the room. He instructed me to lay over the side of their bed. I refused and he said if I didn't I would get double the licks. I went over and I was shaking. He said he didn't give a damn who I told. He started hitting me with the belt. He was hitting me so fast the belt was hitting my back and thighs as well. I was screaming as loud as I could. I slid to the floor and he kept hitting me as I put my arms up to guard my face. My mom finally got up and told him to stop because she didn't want to get in trouble. He leaned over and put his face in my face and laughed in my face and said how did you like that bitch multiple times. Finally he said get the fuck out of my room. We had a camping trip that weekend with his sister. She had 2 boys and a girl. One of the boys was a year older than me and we were definitely crushing on each other. Nothing serious I mean we were in elementary school still. We would hold hands and walk around was the extent. When we went that weekend I was already grounded. I was told I couldn't leave my tent and if I spoke to anyone I'd sure regret it. I could overhear them talking at the picnic table. I stayed as quiet as I possibly could to be able to hear. They were talking about me. He said I don't want her around your kids because she may teach them something. He told her all about what happened to me. I felt like everyone at the campground could hear him because he talks so loud as it is. She said what a whore. I don't want her around my kids. I wasn't sure what a whore was so I looked it up in the dictionary at school the following Monday. A girl on my bus seemed to be very knowledgeable about certain things so I asked her. She told me it was someone who done things with men such as what had happened to me with the stranger. I was upset because I felt like it was my fault and people seen me as unclean. The following weekend we went camping again. I had to stay in my tent away from the other kids. I wasn't even allowed to speak to them. My mom and her boyfriend left to go to the store and we were left with his sister. She tells me to get out of the tent and come to her. I did. I thought I could trust her for some reason. That or I just really wanted someone to talk to. Maybe both. She told me I could go play with the other kids but if I touched anyone I had to go back to my tent. There was a merry go round. We went around on it a few times. It was my turn to hold on. It was so fast and hard to hold on to. I fell off of it and when I did I landed right into her oldest son. It was like she was waiting for that moment. I didn't even know who I fell on to and she was screaming. She was running towards us and telling me to stop molesting her son and to get away from him. I was sent back to my tent and she told my mom I was on top of him humping him. That literally did not happen. I had been thrown off the merry go round and he broke my fall and I stood up. She made a huge deal out of it. I was never allowed to socialize with other kids at all. I was made to wear boy clothes because my mom's boyfriend said girls clothes showed too much and said I wasn't allowed to dress like a whore because I acted like one and he didn't want people to know I was one. There was a shirt at Walmart. It was blue. Like a tshirts except the sleeves were up to the shoulder instead of half way down the arm. If I put it on it just didn't cover the bottom part of my arm. He started yelling in Walmart and making comments. When I went to school kids made fun of me and avoided me. All but 2 in the whole school. I was called a lesbian and asked about my sexuality. It's not how it is now. I knew I didn't like girls and I wasn't okay with being told I did. At the same time I felt I couldn't really have an opinion about anyone or it would be seen as whore like behavior. In 7th grade it got worse. We went to get a haircut. My hair was all the way down my back. He talked to the hairstylist. She started cutting my hair. Every year we got our pictures made at Walmart. They had a little photography area next to the haircutting place. As she was cutting I felt my head feel lighter. I was turned away from the mirror and I couldn't see. I reached up and before I could touch my head she instructed me to put my hands down. When she turned me around I had barely an inch of hair all over my head. She basically had done a buzz cut on me. I cried as we walked through Walmart. He laughed in my face and they forced me to take pictures anyway. He invited over everyone they knew and I stayed in my room and refused to come out. His brothers girlfriend was nice to me and she came into my room. She hugged me and said she was sorry and I looked pretty still. She encouraged me to come out of my room. But before she left she said she would laugh at me but that she had to because she didn't want to fight him. We went out of the room and she made several comments and I was made to stand in the middle of the room with everyone laughing at me. He encouraged my brothers to laugh at me. I could see the woman that hugged me. She covered her face when I looked at her. I couldn't tell if everyone was really making fun of me or just going along to satisfy him. I feel like my depression started that day. He announced that because he had my hair cut off that the world was safe from me touching them and that I wouldn't feel the need to be a whore anymore.
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