A lifetime of pain and healing
Shortly after my brother was ..
Shortly after my brother was born my mom got a job. She had never had a job before that I knew of. We would get home around 4 and sometimes she would get home at 5 or 6. Most of the time 6 though. We would sit on the porch and wait for her. One day 2 men were in the driveway. We had never seen them before and they were looking at us as we walked up the hill. The guy in the driver seat said hello and motioned us to come to him. We both stopped and he offered us candy. We walked over to him and he gave us some butterscotch candy. He asked us questions and we all talked. The lady that lived in the duplex next to us yelled and got our attention. She told us to get away from the car and come to her. We thought we were in trouble and going to get a punishment for eating candy. We ran up to her and she told the men she had called the police. We begged her not to tell our mom about the candy and she said that was the least of her worries. We sat in her home until my mom came home and we talked. She said she could hear the fighting through the wall. I was very open about my home situation with her because I felt she already knew. The lady told my mom what happened with the men and my mom didn't work for a few days. We had to go to someone's house and spend the weekend because my mom and her boyfriend went out of town. Social services visited us at school and asked us about how we were punished at home etc. I told them my various punishments. At the time being hit with belt or a switch (switch is a thin stick off of a bush or tree), forced to eat soap, and standing in the corner on one foot with my arms over my head was a common punishment for me. The social workers said they had never heard of such things. And I had to demonstrate in a room what I meant. I went on back to class thinking nothing of it. When I got home it was an awful night. I was forced to run laps around the yard until I couldn't move. He was behind me with a belt anytime I tried to stop until I was told to go inside and my mom was mad and grabbed my face and I have no idea what she was saying because her mouth was so clenched and she was spitting as she was trying to speak. I was shoved around the livingroom I had fell over the side table as I was being shoved and my mom said I needed to get out of her face before she hurt me real bad. I went to my room crying. I was in a bit of pain. It hurt to move. The lady called the police and my mom refused to let me speak to them and assured them that nothing had happened. Social services came to my school the next day and I had already been warned if I talked to them again that my mom and her boyfriend would kill me. I refused to speak to them and refused to leave class. When I got home 2 different men were there..one was my mom's boyfriends dad and the other a complete stranger to everyone. They had offered to babysit us while my mom and her boyfriend were at work because supervision was brought up as an issue by social services. They were both old and we had never met them before. The stranger insisted on calling me by my middle name because my first name was too hard for him to remember. They lived with us all summer and during that time. The stranger had took a liking to me. My mom and her boyfriend would come home later and later and they would go out to bars etc together and leave us at home. I hated knowing my mom was going to a bar. I would cry and try to hold on to her to keep her from leaving. She had never left us with anyone before she met her boyfriend and the people she would leave us with were mean to us. As they stayed gone more we had to eat and take a bath and were usually in bed when they got home. One night I was taking a bath and the stranger walked in the bathroom on me and I screamed. He urged me to be quiet and told the other man he didn't know I was in there. When I got out he told me I looked beautiful in the tub. I was like okay and went to bed. I couldn't figure out at the time why he would say that and I went to sleep. The other old man loved to take a nap with my younger brother he was still a toddler. One day when he was asleep the stranger told me to take a bath and after I dried off he told me to run to the kitchen naked and run back. The dryer was in the kitchen and so were my clothes. So I did as he asked and got my clothes out of the dryer. I didn't really understand why. That went on for a while and one night I had done as I had been doing after a bath and the old man was in the kitchen with the stranger. He yelled at me and told me not to come into the kitchen naked. The next day while he was sleeping the stranger asked me if I liked strawberries. At the time I loved strawberries. It was my favorite fruit. He took a strawberry out of the refrigerator and brought it into the living room. He held it up and told me to lick the strawberry. So I did. And he pulled my pants and underwear down. He put the strawberry against my genital area and began licking me. I was about to be in 4th grade at the time. I was confused on why and what he was doing and he kept asking me questions. This went on everyday after school. One day he stood up and took all of his clothes off. Like all of them and exposed himself. He stood in the corner and turned all the way around and walked over and sat down. He motioned me to him and he took all of my clothes off. I felt cold and scared. I told him I wanted to him to stop everyday and threatened to tell on him he said it was okay and said if I told anyone he would burn my home down with everyone in it. I was very attached to my brother and I didn't want him hurt. So I went along. He had me crawl on top of him and he began trying to insert himself into me. It was painful and I pleaded with him to stop. I got a bit louder and he covered my mouth and it sounded as if the other man was waking up. He rushed me to put on my clothes and as I was dressing my brother walked into the room. The stranger quietly told him to leave the room. He wasnt brave enough to do that again after that. He threatened me everyday after that and I thought it was over because my brother had walked in on the incident. It continued. Not long after my mom came into my room where I was playing with my brother. We had toy cars and we were racing them across the floor. She said do you have anything to tell me and I said no. She asked me multiple times and I told her no. She left the room and my brother said he told her about the day he walked in on me and the stranger. I was upset with him for telling and asked him if he was trying to get us killed. I said if he doesn't kill us our mom and her boyfriend sure will. My mom asked me again later before bed and I told her what happened. All hell broke loose in the house. The old man said he didn't know and the stranger said I was confused and it didn't happen the police came out and I had to talk to them and give dates and times and what happened. My mom's boyfriend quit his job and said he would watch us after school. He definitely resented being at home with us. He burned all of my panties in the yard and said it was a new start and not to mention it again and get over it. He went on about how that same thing had happened to him and my mom and said there is a lot of sick people out there. It didn't make me feel better about it but for a brief moment I almost thought he cared. That weekend he made us pancakes. I hated his cooking. It was always so greasy. He would pour oil into a pan and then pour the pancake mix. You could wring the grease out of the pancake if you wanted. He made us pancakes that way. My mom was at work. I took one bite and almost puked. I couldn't eat them. My brother was encouraging me to eat because when we didn't my moms boyfriend threw a fit and would force feed us. I simply just couldn't stomach another bite. My brother was gagging while eating. My mom's boyfriend came back in the kitchen and said why the fuck are you not eating. I didn't respond and he said "say." If you don't answer me I'm going to smack you. I said they are too greasy. He smacked the table and said eat them any fucking way or I'll shove them down your throat. I still refused. He pulled me out of my chair and through the home. He shoved me in a corner and told me to stand on one foot with my arms in the air. He said I was going to stand there until my mom came home. I listened for his foot steps all through the home. Every creak in the floor and every door being opened. I turned my head and looked at the clock. It was 2:15 so I estimated I had stood there since 2 because it took forever before I felt safe to look.. after 2 hours he made me switch which foot I was standing on. My body was so sore I didn't know how I was going to move. My mom pulled into the driveway and I heard her car. He said you can get out of the corner now. I had stood there for 4 hours. I struggled to put my arms down due to the pain and I struggled to walk. When my mom came in I told her and I felt she would protect me given what the stranger had done and she started cussing him and saying we had just gotten rid of social services.. he replied that I hadn't stood there that long and I was trying to control him by not eating.