A lifetime of pain and healing
2022-10-17 20:16:20 (UTC)

I loved horses all my life. ..

I loved horses all my life. Each year I wanted a horse on my cake for my birthday. My mom was very determined that we have a cake every year. My mom's boyfriend has a sister and 3 children. So on my birthday they would always come. My aunt and her kids sometimes would and other times wouldn't. They didn't like my mom's boyfriend so there would be times my mom and aunt didn't speak. Anyway. I had got the cake I wanted and it was time to blow out the candles. Everyone sang happy birthday and before I could blow out the candles. His sister's daughter blew the candles out. Naturally I started crying I had just turned 7. Everyone thought it was cute that the little girl had done that and my mom's boyfriend told me I couldn't have any cake because I was threw a fit about his niece blowing out the candles. My mom and him fought about it and I decided I didn't want any cake and my mom said it was a superstition and I had to eat it whether I wanted to or not. I took a bite of the cake and my mom's boyfriend took it from me and threw it in the trash and said to my mom "she had some cake." I was made to go to my room and I was told he better not hear me crying. Seemed like every year on my birthday it rained or it was going to. I had a friend next door. The little girl that helped me bring my backpack home. She lived next door. She was a colored girl and she had a lot of family members in her home. We would play through the fence. A lot of times because we had a fenced in yard my mom let us outside by ourselves and we knew we couldn't leave the yard. We would throw a ball back and forth mostly. Shortly after I had to bring a heavy backpack home he saw us playing. He ran outside and asked us why we were playing with a N word girl. He was raging on the porch and screaming at us to come inside. He brought us inside and told us we couldn't play with her and said we couldn't play with anyone that looked like her. I originally thought he was joking because most of our school kids were colored. His brother came over and they were all talking and making jokes and they told my brother to go to school and tell the teacher "hang an N word by a tree." When I say N word they actually said the full word. My brother was just starting school and the next day he went to school and said that to the teacher. He was sent home immediately and when I got off the bus and walked home I didn't know what had happened. As we topped the hill we seen my friend's mom and my mom's boyfriend on the porches of both homes screaming at each other. He was calling her every racial slur he could think of and she was calling him names and cussing. She screamed at my friend and told her to stay away from that man and then looked at me and said she would've never let her daughter play with the likes of you people if she knew we were racist. I went inside and we were both taken out of school and we moved. We went to school at a new school when I was in 2nd grade. All of the kids were white. There wasn't one colored kid anywhere. He told us stories about how colored people were murderers and rapists and how they committed crimes and couldn't be trusted. For years he tried to get us to fear colored people. I knew in my heart a person was a person regardless of color. My brother broke his arm at school not long after we moved. He fell outside while playing at school. When I got home he was screaming and crying still. I didn't know what had happened so I got on the floor next to him and tried to ask him what was wrong. My first thought was that my mom's boyfriend had hurt him. I started to cry. My mom's boyfriend put his finger in our faces and told us to stop crying and that his arm didn't hurt. By this point we knew if we didn't stop crying we would get hit with the belt. We got a new car. It was brown and long. I believe probably older if I had to guess now. We started going more places like stores. My mom would continuously throw her boyfriend out and he would leave for a while and come back. One day she got in the car with us and asked us how we would feel about having a little brother or sister. We were excited until we knew what that meant. She explained that me and my brother had one dad together and her boyfriend now was our little brother or sisters dad. We went to school the next day and told everyone that we would be getting another sibling. And the following day we got bullied because the sibling would have a different dad. He had moved out once again and we took Christmas ribbons and put them all over the room like streamers. My mom stayed on the phone when he wasn't there and when she seen we were celebrating she started screaming at us and told us to clean up our room. He ended up coming back. We had a bigger room and more toys. Mom had always cleaned our room and when she was pregnant she didn't want to do much of anything. Her boyfriend came into our room and started yelling and telling us if we didn't clean our room everything was going in the trash. Not long after he told us to clean he said we weren't cleaning fast enough and started bagging our toys. He walked our toys down to the trash can and put them in the trash. We watched him out the window. We got new bunk beds that day and was told we had to sleep in separate beds. My brother slept on the top bunk and me on the bottom. In July my brother was born. He didn't look like us. He looked just like my mom's boyfriend. You wouldn't even know we are related. I was made to change his diapers, feed him and play with him. Eventually I had to give him a bath too. My mom showed me each thing and said when I became a mom one day I would need to know how to take care of a baby. My mom didn't seem too interested in him honestly. It felt like she didn't want him there. Her and her boyfriend fought a lot and we would have to load up in the car at night and drive around. My mom would tell me to remember tag numbers and look for certain cars. We would sit in neighborhoods and she would ask me if I saw her boyfriend anywhere. We would sit for hours multiple nights a week. One day we went out doing the same thing and there he was standing in the front yard holding a baby. My mom was raging when she got out of the car. She was screaming and acting like a complete crazy person. The lady in the yard looked surprised to see her and then all of them were screaming. We saw a little boy take the baby inside the house. Spoiler alert. The woman was his ex wife and he had got her pregnant after impregnating my mom. When he would leave he would go back to his ex wife. So the infant is my youngest brothers younger half sister. I would plead and beg my mom to just leave him over there with her. I couldn't see what the big deal was about him and why another family wanted him in their home.