A lifetime of pain and healing
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2022-10-17 18:58:43 (UTC)

I didn't have any kind of ..

I didn't have any kind of joy. I was a sad and depressed child. All I could think about was how killing myself would be easier than the life I was living. I had no control of anything. I was going to drop out of school in tenth grade and there was a school counselor there that said she simply wouldn't allow me to drop out and told me my education was the only way I'd ever get out of that situation. She explained to me what would happen if I dropped out and how making a bad decision wouldn't only create a worse life for myself. I had started cutting myself in 8th grade. A boy in my class taught me on the school bus and let me have a razor blade. Looking back at that now that was completely unsanitary. Grosses me out now knowing what I know about disease. Anyway when I was 17 I overdosed on every medicine I couldn't find and hide in my room. I was committed for that one for 3 days. Strange as it seems I was in that mental hospital for 3 days and that was the best I had ever felt in my life. I didn't answer the phone for them and I didn't call them. Of course when I was first told at the regular hospital I couldn't go home I originally thought I was going to jail and I was scared out of my mind. A police officer came and got me and they escorted me out in handcuffs. I was glad to go to that hospital. I felt so free and I felt so much relief. It was like being in the dark my whole life and seeing the sunshine for the first time. I was able to sleep and feel safe. It would probably take me a long time to explain how I felt. When I discharged my mom and her boyfriend came to get me. I got this whole lecture about how I shouldn't do things for attention. I really didn't want attention though I truly wanted to die. We went to a restaurant and I went inside and I had a complete breakdown. I felt scared and like I had to leave. I honestly think that in that moment I realized all the feelings I had felt my whole life had surfaced again and I didn't want to feel them. After that I had finally got a car and a job. I was driving down the interstate and they were calling me cussing me because I had left in the middle of a fight. I was upset and angry. I felt like killing myself. I had a little 90 model 2 door Acura. Nothing special. So I was going 80mph and as I got to the front wheel of an 18 wheeler I jerked my steering wheel as hard as I could into the wheel of the truck. The drivers side of my car hit the wheel and the wheel of the truck started to shred my car door. I heard glass breaking and felt things flying around my car. I closed my eyes. And prayed that I would die. Before I knew it I couldn't hear anything or see anything. I asked myself in my thoughts if I was dead. I thought for sure I was. I started to see a bright light and I opened my eyes and as soon as I did I felt pain all over. Some man was at my car with a flash light and I could hear a dog barking. He was yelling and upset. I'm not sure what he said. A lady walked up to me and said she was a nurse but other than that I don't remember anything until a while later at the hospital. I had a few scratches and bruises and my chest hurt really bad. The next day I got up and I went to work. The following day after I went to work a case worker reached out to me and said she wasn't sure how I left the hospital but that I had to go to the mental hospital. I went with her and it was so peaceful that whole week. I was really mad about not dying though. I thought for sure I'd die. A couple hit a pole at 25 mph and died. I couldn't understand it. I didn't know too much about religion but I felt maybe that was God's way of laughing at me but later I felt maybe I was here for something. I never attempted to kill myself again after that because I figured I would just mangle myself and take away my own independence because it wasn't my time to go. I didn't have a car for a couple weeks and so that also caused me to lose my job. So I didn't work for a few months. Which didn't help in my situation.