A lifetime of pain and healing
I had to work an event last ..
I had to work an event last night. It was like an acting type thing. I would run around and act silly and be loud and obnoxious to throw off the person's mindset. There were two other people that was supposed to do it. Both of them just sat there and wouldn't participate. I feel like If I had been the one refusing to participate everyone would've just seen me as a snob or something. They were doing exactly what I wanted to be doing. Just sitting there and watching everyone else. I know I don't participate in a lot of events with other people. I was definitely out of my element. I tried to look like I was having fun. I wasn't sure if I just looked like an idiot. The two that weren't participating appeared very annoyed. I wasn't sure if that was with me or just the event in general. At the end they were talking about one of the participants doing such a good job with the part she played. I got zero recognition. I had went from each station trying to bring it to life. I had everyone laughing and felt I had distracted and done what I needed. I sat down listening to the others and I felt like maybe I had messed up or they weren't laughing because it was funny but because they were making fun of me. Granted we weren't receiving any kind of recognition to begin with and it wasn't like I was being rewarded. I just felt if it was going to be mentioned why would they leave me out. I'm in a room with around 15 people and I just felt alone. I felt like no one could see me. Maybe it's selfish or I'm a bit of a mess. Not sure how I should feel about it honestly. I just keep telling myself it wasn't about me. I was there to help with a training event. But then they announced the best person that ran through the course. She was obviously the highlight so then I thought maybe it was about who did the best. Maybe I didn't do as good as I thought I did. Having a stoic personality was always seen as mature but when I do it everyone just thinks I'm a psycho. I feel like I need to feel important or acknowledged or maybe like I've done something worth getting credit for. The words escape me at the moment. I wonder if maybe that's me just wanting something to pick up my ego. I'm not really sure. . Whatever the word is. I've realized I don't like having a less prestigious job. I've worked for state agencies etc. I always want a challenge and when I get a challenge I just have no confidence to do it. I work 3 jobs right now. I have a favorite and a least favorite and another that pays weekly so it benefits me not to have to wait on money. I get bored once I master whatever it is I'm doing. I don't feel like I could work the same career the rest of my life. I've done many different kinds of jobs in multiple fields of work. At the same time I don't feel like I've accomplished anything but I'm quick to list off what I've done to anyone asking. My mom always said I'd never amount to anything. I remember having a therapy session when I was a child and overhearing the therapist tell my mom the statistics of me recovering and having a good life. It's like I made a mental list of the things I needed to do to beat those statistics. My husband always tells me he feels like he's another item on a shelf of collectables that I've made it my mission to search out and own or check off on a list. Maybe he is I wonder sometimes. Maybe I just married him because I felt like I had something to prove. I think about that a lot but then I can't picture my life without him. I know I flipped topics again. I'm at work on a short break.