Gentleman ♀

Life Could Be A Dream~ Or A Nightmare-

Hi,

Sorry I haven’t been writing much, my school got this GoGaurdian thing so they can constantly see what tabs we have open and monitor our screens. They have it openalmost all the time and I’m already sick and tired of them. I’d just use my phone to write in class 24/7 but I don’t want any of these kids around me seeing my personal shit. I used my chrome book in class too but it’s more noticeable when you’re doing something blatantly not allowed on something blatantly not allowed yk? I’m writing in class rn and I’m already suspicious lol. Either way though, I plan on getting a privacy screen asap. I don’t need anyone seeing my entries! So things’ll be slow for a while. Sorryyyyyyy!

But the scariest thing happened today! I was having a conversation and we were in the topic of Vinny so I pointed to him from across the hall to confuse him. Once he saw me he pointed back but lit up and suddenly started walking towards me.he obviously had something exciting to say so I walked toward him too. When we got to each other he started telling me about how he drank some shots of a raspberry-flavored alcohol over the weekend then went out on his roof and fell down some stairs or some shit then got a hangover in the morning. I thought he was joking at first but he said it was true. I asked who gave him alcohol thinking his dad maybe let him have a sip and he was exaggerating but he said nobody knew. I just flat out said “Vinny, no” and kept asking him if he was being serious. I ended up being like “you can’t do that” and “don’t do that again, please” but I kept it light hearted. I ended up half-jokingly, half seriously saying that if he did that again I’d tell his mom or someone but I’m regretting that now. I want him to trust me and tell me things and never do that again! I don’t want him to think I’m just gunna get him in trouble! We have drama club today so I’ll probably just end up talking to him about it then but goddamn am I scared rn. I know it’s not that big of a deal but at this age, we can get ourselves into some deep shit by drinking. I just want the best for my friend.

I just, I don't know what to do. I can't even convince myself it's real. I went through all of today trying to figure out if I was dreaming and I'm not even sure! It's two days later now and I still can't convince myself it wasn't a dream. I want to say it's not bothering me much but it's honestly bothering me more than I even know because my dermatillomania is ruining my face again. I was doing so good and now I have like 15 ugly scabs all over my face! I tried asking him about it over text but he just danced around it and I guess I didn't want to pry. We might go skating this weekend so I'll have to talk to him about it there. I hate how my brain works, why do I flip flop between super emotional at night and more rational during the day? I know it's normal but that doesn't make me appreciate it any more.

On the bright side, guess who got a kiss today~~~ That's right, ya girl got a kiss! Not on the lips or anything, just a quick peck on the cheek, but still. It was Sienna of course, who kissed me an once she did I literally just stared at her and made weird noises like they do as a gag in the movies! Then the bell rang and we walked away. What do I even do? I'm not even sure if I like her or not. I mean, she's cute and all, but I'm not really interested in having a serious relationship in only middle school. I feel like those just always end up becoming awkward and I don't want that. I think my ideal situation would just be being friends with benefits, in the middle school crush kinda way obviously. Like, friends with benefits except you're doing completely legal things like a peck on the cheek or whatever instead of AAAAAAAAA in the school bathrooms. Is that mean? I can't tell if it's mean...

I need to sleep on this. Any advice you'd be willing to give is very much appreciated! Goodnight.

~ Gentleman