Anonymous

I feel like giving up today. ..

I feel like giving up today. I'm not sure why. I just woke up and thought to myself that it would just be easier to give up. I'm not sure if thinking I want to die is a coping mechanism or if I really want to die some days. For new readers of my page. I lack confidence and that sometimes comes out in my writing. I often wonder if I'm a narcissist. I know I have issues. I definitely have a wall up and don't trust people. I always think everyone around me doesn't like me. When people compliment me or say something nice to me I always wonder what the motive is and automatically think to myself they don't actually think that way about me they just say it to be nice or out of pity. But most of the time if I'm quiet enough or walk quietly into a room I can hear people talking bad about me. People's eyes are the worst. I went to work at a new job the other night and I was working with two other people a guy and a girl. I was asking questions and I tend to over apologize for every mistake. I caught them a few times looking at each other when they thought I didn't see them. I could tell there was an unspoken conversation going on between them and I couldn't help but feel it was about me. I can't stand that. Anyway... I try to be a normal person. I asked someone once what they thought about me and they said I had a negative disposition. A few years ago but I don't think it's changed. I feel that was the most honest answer I ever got. I've overheard people say I'm abrasive and overbearing. I know when I'm stressed I come across pretty aggressive. When I was young like 18 or so a lot of people thought it was cute. I only weighed 120 pounds at the time. Now I'm older and I've gained some weight and it's obvious I'm not seen as cute anymore when it comes to my attitude. No I'm not like rude randomly but if something bothers me I definitely voice it. I tend to repeat myself a lot. I'll tell the same person the same thing multiple times. Like it could be an event that happened that day or certain phrases. I met one other person like that and I said you are lonely. He looked at me and said how do you know. I said I will tell everyone I can think of about my day which is usually about 4 people for me. I'll repeat the same story and when I'm done I start over as if I never told them. When I talk to my mom I can talk but as soon as I ask a question she has no idea what I'm talking about or if I talk about something days later she says I never told her. I feel like I do that because she's done that to me my whole life. I can't seem to break the habit. It's annoying. I'm not sure how to better describe that honestly. I am usually always thinking about myself. Maybe how I acted about something. Something I said. Sometimes I'll have a conversation with myself as if with someone else especially if I know someone wants to talk about a specific thing. Kind of like rehearsing. If the conversation has already happened I'll rehearse it just as well. Except I'll say what I wanted to say. Then I wonder why it was so hard to say what I wanted at the time. Not sure why I do that either. I feel like I'm so absorbed into myself and trying to find ways to change myself that I just really don't have time for others feelings especially if they are negative. Like my husband will be upset or whatever and I just shut it down. I tell him I have things going on right now and I just can't deal with him. I hate that I can't be there for him emotionally on that level. I know it's terrible. I feel like a terrible person but it overwhelms me and I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown trying to take on another person's emotions. I find it impossible to be happy for someone. I more think to myself "yeah and" .....I hate being that way. But honestly when I try to appear happy for someone to their face they can tell I'm not genuine and it gets awkward. I definitely lack social skills... So my husband got me a sweet gift for Christmas. It was a complete surprise. He never surprises me. Mostly because I'm always nosey when he says he's going to get me something. It literally eats away at me until I know. Which sucks. But anyway he got me the gift and I opened it. I had this feeling like it had just lifted my heart. I could feel tears start and I knew I was happy and I stopped and turned around and it was like I forced the feeling away. I know people say they swallow their feelings but I feel like I literally did. I had to think and try to bring back the feeling and it just felt wrong to feel that way. I have felt all these negative feelings for so long I feel like I'm almost incapable of feeling good feelings.