A lifetime of pain and healing
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2022-10-11 20:09:54 (UTC)


After me and my boyfriend at the time broke up I was upset. I feel like it broke my heart. My mom and her boyfriend began telling their social circle that the guy broke up with me because I wouldn't have sex with him and that I was still a virgin. At home they constantly threw it up in my face and told me I would never be able to keep a man because I was such a bitch and a whore. My guy friends friend decided she wanted to cheer me up and said the best way to get over an ex was to get a new boyfriend. So I agreed and told her I'd be up to try to move on. This was a few months later. Well this guy didn't look as good as my former boyfriend. He looked his age. Whereas my ex looked like a 15 year old at 25. I told my mom he was older than he was in hopes she would allow it. And she did. He was 23 but I told her he was 26. Well he came to get me after school and we went to his apartment. It looked like a party had taken place within the last hour. A few people were there and a loud stereo was playing. My friends had explained parties to me and said cool people usually had alcohol and marijuana and loud music. At the time that was like the coolest thing that could happen to a high schooler. I had never experienced a lot of things so I was very naive and wanted to fit in. He offered me alcohol and I hesitated and took the cup. I looked at it and then smelled it. It smelled horrible. I couldn't bring myself to even sip it. I pretended to in front of the others. I was offered a hit as they call it and I told them no without thinking. I was in anatomy and physiology and we had went over lung cancer. So I literally thought I'd get cancer if I touched it. Even though I didn't really understand what cancer was other than it was a slow painful death. We went upstairs to change the music and he asked me what I liked and I told him rock music and he changed the song to ACDC. He sat down on a bed and told me to come to him. I stopped and looked at him with my eyes wide and my mouth slightly open. He said I'm not going to do anything. I just figured you would want to sit down. I walked over and sat down and we began talking and looking back now I'm pretty sure he was most likely close to being drunk.. high or something. . he looked at me the whole time and never looked away as I talked and I felt uncomfortable because he never broke eye contact. He put his finger on my mouth and said that was enough and leaned in to kiss me. I was literally telling him what happened at school that day. ( A fight had happened between 2 girls) I didn't feel like there was anything romantic about that. I was confused as to why he would want to kiss me. We had just met a few hours earlier. I pushed him away and stood up. I walked to the door and told him I was ready to leave. I went downstairs and he followed me and asked why I wanted to leave and I told him I had school the next day. He said oh yeah I forgot. I walked outside and there was 2 girls sitting on the porch next to the one I was standing on. She started asking me questions such as my age and where I went to school. She was skin and bones herself but said she was 22. The other girl never spoke but looked like a teenager herself. She continued with questions and the guy came outside and she looked at him and then at me and he said I was his new girlfriend. The way he said it was as if he was bragging to her or rubbing it in her face. He walked back inside to get his keys. She said you know we've been fucking and I just found out I have hepatitis C. I wasn't sure if she was warning me or if she was trying to scare me thinking we had done something. I told him I didn't want to see him anymore when I got home. He didn't see the message until the next day. He completely lost his mind. Saturday came and I was trying to sleep in. I hear loud voices and my door smacks open. It was him. He said get the fuck up and let's go. I said I'm not even dressed. I was in my pajamas. He said I don't care lets go. He grabbed my arm and pulled me out of bed. His dad was talking to my mom in the Livingroom. I was scared to death but I knew I couldn't tell my mom because I felt she would have him do whatever it was to me right in front of her. It was bad enough she let her boyfriend hit me so I was hell bent I wasn't going to allow her to watch someone else hit me either. I told her to tell me to be home by 6 and she said 7 I insisted 6 and she kept saying a higher number. She said 11 is as far as I'll go. I felt like she knew I was telling her I was in danger. She had that smile on her face that she usually had when I was being punished. I felt forced to leave with him. I got in the van and it was a silent ride to his apartment. I feared I was about to get the beating of my life. He was a muscular guy. He obviously worked out. I was shaking as I sat in the van. I began to cry silently. We finally make it to his apartment and went inside. His dad drove away. There was no one in the apartment. I walked over to the couch and sat down in hopes of talking my way out of whatever was about to happen. He explained to me that he was drunk and didn't mean to be so forward and didn't want to break up. I told him about the girl next door and what she said. He started yelling at me and said I shouldn't believe her because she's on meth and a slut. He said when he saw her again he was going to kill her. He calmed down unusually fast and said he didn't mean to yell like that but he was angry she would say that and said she was jealous that I was sexier than her. He went upstairs and left me alone I could hear him talking so I tried to listen. He went up and down the stairs and I asked him what he was doing and he said waiting on my roommate. I told him that regardless of what the girl said that I was still upset about my ex and I didn't want to be with him. He pleaded and said I should give him a chance. Hours passed and it started getting close to 11. I asked to go home and he pulled a knife on me and said I wasn't going anywhere. I texted my mom and told her he said I couldn't come home and I begged her to come and get me. She called me and said his dad said he was bringing me home and she wasn't coming to get me. My heart sank. I was shaking and I tried to tell myself I was okay and nothing was going to happen because I had been safe so far. I looked around the room for an exit and didn't see a way out. He took my phone and told my mom I was an adult and I wasn't coming home. He slammed the phone down and told me to go upstairs. I went upstairs crying and begging him not to hurt me. He held the knife at my back all the way up the stairs. He told me to go into his room and I continued to follow his instructions. He shut the door and locked it. He pushed me down onto the bed and told me to undress. I shook my head unable to speak. My heart was pounding. I realized beating me wasn't what he wanted. He stood over me and started grabbing at my clothes and he pushed his hand into my chest and pushed me down. I began hitting him and he put the knife at my throat and said he would slit my throat if I didn't cooperate. He pulled my pants and panties down and continued holding the knife up. He unbuckled his belt and began undoing his pants. He pulled them down and stepped out of them and quickly pulled off his shirt. He told me to stand up. I hesitated and he waved the knife at me and yelled get up. I stood up and put my arms across my chest and crossed my legs. I felt so ashamed embarrassed and scared for my life. He took off my shirt forcefully and threw it on the floor. He told me to get into the shower and motioned me to the door. I began stuttering and tried to reason. I told him he didn't have to do this and I didn't want to do anything with him I just wanted to go home. It was as if he was taking what I was saying into consideration for a brief moment and then he said I'm going to show you what a man is. He shoved me back onto the bed and pulled my legs apart. I kicked and screamed and he climbed on top of me. I was unsure where the knife was and for a moment I had almost forgot he had one. He pinned my arms over my head with one hand and bit my lip. He began trying to bite my mouth and neck. I was still kicking and he started saying this isn't rape I'm just going to put the tip in. I was still screaming for him to stop. He thrusted his hips hard and grunted. I thought to myself I couldn't feel anything. His phone began to ring and stopped and told me to be quiet and if I made a sound I was dead. He got off of me and answered his phone. I curled up and got against the wall sitting up. I stared at him in disbelief. He just got up as if none of that had just occured. When I had sex with my ex he had a big package as they say and this guy had a child's penis that's what I called it. A kid at school used to tell rape jokes and said it's not rape if your dick is small. I was confused as to if he was actually raping me or if I had been injured in some way and didnt know it or if it even counted. I know that sounds silly but I genuinely was confused. I felt dirty and just completely sick. I puked over the side of the bed. It was as if I couldn't hear his conversation. Like all the noise had just stopped. He smacked me in the face and said he should make me eat my own vomit but that we didn't have time. He rushed to get dressed and told me to get my clothes on because his friend was on his way. I slowly got dressed. My thoughts had took over me at that point. I felt physically sick. I was so disgusted with myself. I blamed myself. But I couldn't help think there was something wrong with me. I had half the thought to try to grab the knife and stab him to death. I reminded myself I was powerless and I would end up being the one killed if I tried anything. My phone had been ringing like crazy down stairs. He ran down and picked it up and my mom was screaming. He told her I wasn't coming home and hung up and he looked at me as I came down the stairs and said first he was going to fuck me again and then let his friend have a go and they were going to take me to the woods and kill me and bury me where no one would ever find me. I felt like I was going to pass out. My heart was beating in my throat. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I hear a car pull up and my phone rang. He answered and my mom was screaming that I had 2 seconds to appear outside or he was going to wish to god I had. I ran out the door leaving my phone behind. I slipped on the step because it was icy and I fell I got up and I continued to run to the car. I got in and she asked me where my phone was. And I told her I left it inside. She got out and walked over to the porch and got my phone. She lectured me about following her rules all the way home. I didn't speak. I never told her what happened. I had bruises on my arms and legs and a hand print on my chest and a piece missing out of my lip. My neck was bruised and somehow seeing my neck and face she didn't ask me about it. I still have nightmares about that night. he continued to harass and stalk me he would sit across the street from my house and leave threatening voicemails. The cops got involved but I couldn't bring myself to tell them what he did. I felt like somehow I would be blamed and the guy would be the victim. I felt like my life at home would've gotten worse because they already hated me.