just someone random

stupid thoughts and life
2022-10-10 20:17:22 (UTC)

hiding emotions

my mom writes me a journal. It's like a diary, except they're all letters directed towards me. She started when I was in her womb, not yet born.
She doesn't write every day. Probably once a month or so. On special occasions.
I used to check every single day. I stopped after a while, though. Now I check once a couple months.

Yesterday I saw that she'd written a couple days ago. She said that she could tell that sometimes, I would act and talk in a way so that it pleases the other person.
She said that she wanted to talk to the real me someday, where I would be honest about everything.
For some reason, I cried.
I can't be the real me to you, Mom, at least not in the way you mean, and I'm sorry. I can't, because I love you, as cliche as that sounds.
i mean, you already techincally know the real me. you know the real me the best.
i am the most honest version of myself around you, but there are some things that are better off not told.

There was this one time she hugged me and cried. I had been bringing up the subject of death too often (although i was just joking around) and she must have thought something was wrong. And she told me that I was her entire world, so if I were to be gone her whole world would collapse, so please dont leave. She cried and I cried, and that memory is seared into my brain. I don't talk about death anymore.
That's why I can't tell her.
That's why I can't be totally honest.

again, some things are better off kept in the dark.




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