rotten

gay men and melatonin

still sick, can hardly breathe, lots of fun (still haven't called the ER). yesterday i dissociated pretty much the whole day, so today, in an attempt to ground myself and feel at least somewhat present, i put on some make up. is it sunday? i don't even know. i guess it must be as the supermarket was out of iceberg lettuce and that one brand of oat bread i like... but hey, i finished 2nd on whatever fuck the highest of those duolingo leagues is called. that counts for something, right? RIGHT? also bought myself a tea advent calendar (by clipper) - yes, in mf'ing october, but here's the thing: the oatmeal ones were already sold out so i panicked, okay?

i've been listening to a lot of benson boone (still can't decide if his voice irritates the shit out of me or if i absolutely love it, it's such a fine line) and going back to nobody else but mr. daniel howell today - gosh anything that man creates makes me so happy it's riidiicuuloouus. at first i felt kinda cringey for getting the tickets for his show (february 2023), as i really didn't enjoy the interactive introverts tour *that much* (it felt kinda boring, too scripted and like it was targeted to people like half my age which i think it was tbh) but now i'm actually really fucking thankful to (yet another) m for talking me into it. i don't care if we'll be there with a bunch of teenagers in their kitty ear hoodies, i frigging love that man. the entirety of him. in my books, he can do no wrong. ...one day i should really go to therapy and discuss why it is that my taste in men is basically = self-depricating cynical gay comedians with chaotic af vibes, because i mean. most men i love or have ever loved fall into that category. not to belittle their struggles y'know but dang it i wish i was a gay man.

the last time i saw my neuropsychiatrist he wanted me to try melatonin again (in addition to all the other meds including two kinds of sleeping pills, but still) - bless his heart. i immediately went "ohh my sweet summer child..." but i still picked up the prescription, because i'm a good girl and cOmMiTtEd tO mY tReAtMeNt etc. listen now; there's very little i wouldn't do trying to ensure that nobody accuses me of not trying. i've gone through and tried out like 24 different kinds of pills for my insomnia, but sure. let's try melatonin again. maybe the fourth time's the charm, who knows! and i know it doesn't sound like it but i really am going into it with an open mind - it's been a long time since i last tried it out. i've gone on the adhd meds since that and everything, so who knows. brain chemistry is whack anyway, so it might just work out. maybe it solves all my issues and soon these 18ish years of no sleep will soon be nothing but a distant memory... now wouldn't that be nice? at least nicer than that f'ing mansplaining "online therapist" (aka this random nurse guy who i bet has never done as much as two pages woth of reading about insomnia) i have looking over at my process on the insomnia online therapy app rn. i admit i haven't had the guts to even check if he answered my last message, as i guess i was somewhat savage - in my defence though, *fucking hell* that dude is obnoxious. i asked "how do mark it on the app if i get up in between of my 'went to bed' and 'fell asleep' times?", and he went: "the 'time spent in bed' stands for the time you spend in your bed between going to bed and getting up in the morning." ...no shit? who would've thought! absolutely revolutionary, wow. just wow. i wish that dumbfuckery ends soon as it's been 100 % useless, in every way. tbh it's just another thing i feel i'm not the target audience of, even if it's supposedly made especially for (people like) me.

i think it's safe to say i've officially gone back to 'barely lifelike'. the happy mood was quite fun while it lasted though, i'm not gonna lie.
now if you'll excuse me i need to go wash my face and scream into the void.