rotten

are we human? or are we dancer?

PSA: i decided to name the fly herbert. he feels like a herbert. he's still with us. bless his soul.

some random things: had no sleep last night. went to walk the dog with only one eyebrow on and only realized that in the elevator on my way back up. just now i ate the last piece (that i didn't put in the freezer) of an apple pie i made a while back. the super duper flu pox has taken another turn for worse - will it ever end? i guess we'll see. or then we won't lol. my personalized ads have been whack lately but just this morning i started to see more cosmetics ones again, dunno why but that always makes me happy (i watch quite a lot of ads playing cats&soup...) - tho i still see a lot of disgusting ads i hate with a passion too, and it irks me that within the game i can't just 'stop seeing this ad' like i can on youtube or whatever. we are clumping together a yesstyle order with n and m and i'm having a tough time making decisions, who would've thought, right? if i had more money i'd order everything i need, but since i don't, i need to prioritize. as if having multiple skin conditions didn't already suck enough. i painted my nails an antique rose color for the first time ever, and they feel/look weird. there's food in the fridge but i've been craving (&having) instant ramen, which i usually never do, and now i'm afraid of ending up having to throw food away - i hate that. one of the absolute worst things to have to do, ever. oh and i even managed to get some chili powder in my eye today, and that shit hurt. yet still... i don't have the strength to fight the cravings. not with my adhd and minimal appetite having ass.

the happy mood hasn't been as intensive today. i've had 'the killers' kind of a day - not that that necessarily meant anything, there's songs for every mood really, but y'know. it's not the happiest music you'd wildly dance to. i realized i forgot w's birthday that was two days ago, on the 5th. she turned five, my baby is five! soon i've had her for four years. it's a weird thing because on the other hand it feels insane it's been that long already, but on the other hand it's even more insane that she hasn't always been around. anyway, thank g--britney dogs don't understand the concept of birthdays.

today's title is - ofcourse - from the iconic 'the killers' song, 'human'. not really my top faves but always kinda makes me think. maybe we were born to dance? now, i know the song is truly about daring to live fully, going against the system and all that jazz, but let me get very literal here, okay - i've always had a strange relationship with Dance. when i was little i loved to twirl and prance around as much as every other kid, but that had more do with the dresses/skirts looking nice and the way movement made me feel dizzy. i've been super self conscious and ashamed of quite literally everything about myself ever since i can remember - it must've started when i was around four years old or something, because that's where my earliest memories are from. the stories i've heard about myself before that paint me as a creative, cheery, daring and active child. (although thanks to adhd i guess i've always been those things, but most of my life i've hated it, as it has felt like i couldn't control that even if i tried.) it's actually pretty sad to think about, especially from the younger me's point of view. i've always wished i could or/and dared to dance, but settled for watching others. that's why i was obsessed with music videos, dance movies, talent shows, musicals, and later SYTYCD... and now that i think of it, the dance fascination might be the (at least partial) source of my figure skating obsession too. the just-watching part has been and still is enjoyable, thankfully - but i do hope that one day i'll get over the mental block, the shame, and the trauma, mostly from my nine years of compulsory education.

too bad that kids can be cruel as hell, too bad that dysfunctional families make up for childhood trauma and too bad that that fucks us up.