rotten

barefoot & barely lifelike
2022-10-06 21:48:04 (UTC)

compulsive thoughts, obsessive behaviors

i googled the life span of a house fly - 28 days! dang. i guess i have another week or so left as an owner of two pets.

i'm fresh from the shower, listening to ed and wearing my weird circus shorts (the red and white striped retro ones) and the weird happy mood is still here - but so is the ocd, and the latter apparently hates the former. so far it's mostly my body hair, pores and skin altogether taking the hit, as per usual. i managed to not scrub my skin raw while showering, so that's a win, i guess. i find dry brushing to help - allows me to go to town but as the skin is more sensitive without water, it's easier to have limits. it's taken time and hasn't been easy, still isn't, but most of the time now it works. another small win: i don't have cuts on my eyebrows atm! i can't remember the last time this was the case, although the cuts are a relatively new issue. if i could keep my hands off my face that'd certainly help a lot (the cuts are usually happen when i try to plug out hair i can feel but not see). third win: the exfoliating foot cream wooly socks combo still works, although my hands itch (mostly in the literal sense, because of the AHAs, BHAs and PHAs, but also figuratively speaking, to pick on my heels). i love all these little cheats and tricks i've managed to find regarding the more physical symptoms.

however, i have no tricks or cheats for what goes on in my mind, and that sucks. to put it nicely. i'm kinda glad i'm still sick, even more glad my parents had places to be and are not home - otherwise i'd already be on my way. the intrusive thoughts regarding my mum's inevitable death kicked in with full force at around 4am last night. took me until 7.30 to actually get any sleep, and even then i only slept for less than two hours. not that that's anything out of ordinary, my sleep diary is as f'd as always, but usually it's not the racing thoughts that keep me awake - and i like it that way. it took me over 15 years to master that, so the nights with hf anxiety and a loud brain really hit differently nowadays. i just try and remind myself of the deal i have with mum; that i get to go first. doesn't really help much and i don't think she likes it when i bring it up as a serious thing, as she was probably joking at the time, but i mean. it is something. and again, i'll take anything my brain accepts as motivation (in this case to relax), even if it has the tiniest impact.

for some reason i found myself listening to justin bieber last night. i think it started with a youtube short the algorithm threw at me, but it led to a buuunch of 'church thoughts' in the shower. yes that is how my brain works. perhaps i should get myself something to eat before i continue, it's 4:30pm, so... time for breakfast? (why's my life like this??) the salmon from the 4th had an expiration date of *yesterday* - i'm so pissed at myself for not checking that out before buying it. still gonna take my chances though, i haven't opened it and i mean. it's salmon. duhh. i'm also pissed that my local was out of the current hyper focus juice concentrate. i guess something else will have to do... major first world problems, i know. i promise i manage this sorta stuff better when my ocd's not being as much of a b as it currently is - not that it's ever exactly the easiest companion to my adhd or/and other issues, but y'know.

ok that was hella salty. i mixed the cold smoked salmon into some cream cheese sour cream and added chives, and idk maybe i should've rinsed the fish first or something, cuz dear loooord. anyway, i have eaten - success! took my meds too. there's a friggin' pretty sunset going on and i'd really need to run to the pharmacy (not literally lol it still hurts to even breathe in the outside air) but that'd require me to put on pants... and i don't wanna. ok i'm gonna do it. maybe CM has the juice-- aaand so a wild corn song earworm appeared, dang it! --- * this is where i left the house * --- i feel like this entry has even more chaotic vibes than the earlier ones, but that won't stop me from making it worse. btw, i found the juice, and some tp - plus CM finally had my shade of the concealer i love. i talked on the phone with my best gal for over two hours (during and after my lil 'shopping spree') and it was super nice, not to mention therapeutic as hell. i miss her so much it almost hurts. gotta remember to send her a postcard or something soon...

anyway, today's 'church thoughts' in short: i'm so glad i left. my circles still mostly consist of the people i know through church tho, and that can be such a pain sometimes - especially rn with the parliament processing the trans law update, ughh. there's been some fucking unbelievable outcomes again, by certain people. hopefully i don't have to have any conversations around the topic, i'll lose my shit... maybe i'll be fine as long as i stay out of my brother's way? although it disturbs me that i don't have the guts to be as vocal with my thoughts as i'd want to be, for example on my socials. like what i and i (lol) talked about when we last hung out - she said this about her work environment: "i'd rather be loud enough for the queer ones inside our community to know that i'm an ally and not an asshole and for them to maybe feel even a little bit more comfortable, than hide my thoughts and values just so that *i* could feel comfortable and not get confronted by the asshole ones" and that's exactly what i always thought too. the comfort of those who are actually, on a personal level affected by the controversial topics christians tend to be hostile about was way more important to me than trying to avoid conflicts or difficult conversations myself - although, tbh, i don't think i could've avoided those either way, as i've never been the docile type. i don't think people are exactly surprised or saying/thinking things like "oh boy, she sure has changed since leaving the church!", at least not those who've ever witnessed me open my mouth, lol. i've always been 'the difficult one' who speaks her mind - and i mean i still am. i share my thoughts and (usually very straight-forward) content that is 'pro' what i believe in. i guess i just wish i was brave enough to *also* share things that are 'anti' what i condemn... even if those things were, or could be seen as, 'anti church'.

maybe one day.