Tati

it seems im addicted to mi telefono

I think I'm addicted to my phone.
At least my average phone usage would point to that sort of conclusion. I don't use the computer as much, I use the other one for school so it doesn't count either.
I don't really even care that much about the fact itself, it's the lasting effects and problems that I have because of it that irk me.
Headaches due to that constant headphones phone combo.
More homework at the end of the day --> staying up later to complete it --> being on my phone for a while after that before sleeping much later than intended.
And worst of all is the mental impact: I. feel. drained.
nearly as drained as i feel after a tiresome social interaction. i dont even feel like doing my homework or doing anything at all.

I always do this to myself. make up a plan to get better then self sabotage in the worst ways.

I don't really know what to do anymore. I can't even hang onto my position as a good student. It's hard to finish the shows I want. Playing games for too long hurts my eyes. Reading manga for too long hurts my eyes. Not doing my homework tonight is going to hurt my pride- well not rly i just wanted to rhyme. Not doing my homework tonight is going to stress me out but not going to sleep is going to make me cry, internally.

i swear id be fine rn if they hadnt taken my tools bro.

i dont know what to do anymore.

i think that. i'll put it all on my to do list. and just do it, when i can. because im tired right now. on two different levels. and i can take the late grade. its not that bad. i'll probably leave me headphones at home tomorrow. wear that other sweater so i can cover my head, my ears.

im too focused on the wrong things throughout the day. too much on other people, on how im feeling, on how i want to do this or that or whatever comes to mind, and on my phone too much. nothing gets done. so i'll get some sleep. and im going to work and do things that are productive. and none of the other stuff. it seems that i have lost the capacity to find entertainment and work in the same day.
i dont even know what im doing any of this for.
i have some confidence i could just live off my parents in the future but thats not something u should count on due to mortality.
i just wish that i had more direction, that i cared more. but i dont. i barely care about the things i distract myself with.
its all escapism.
from what?
social environments.
i go to school, i feel seen, i feel unconfident, i am distracted, i distract myself from those distractions and get no work done. in that order, i think.

theres no point in even typing all of this.
she gave me a journal.
will i have time towrite in it after begigng for one this whole time?

i feel weak.
i wish i could sh, i have a feeling it would make everything feel a little better right now. or not. hit or miss.

m tired of this cycle. of all of these days. sometimes i wish the afternoon would just last forever. no night time to be all alone. no morning to dread school. just me, family, devices, journals, books.

but. that thought is just another escape.
i cant get away from school. so i might as well succumb. the only way i know how to get through is with music. but that headache...
i can just sleep it off when i get home.
i know its only 7, a bit early to be planning for tomorrow. but im tired and it already feels like a failed day. im going to sleep. im not sure i want to get back up for a while.