no name
2022-10-06 08:46:37 (UTC)

Never seems like a memory in the moment

I’m still not used to this place.
I thought that I was when this all started. That I’d figured it all out, shining a bright light of overconfidence on my mind. But I still have not gotten used to this, I realize now, the only thing I’m able to do is cling to the perceptions I’ve had in the past that kept me safe and comfortable. The tint of the past may be tricking me. I know I was sadder in the past. But I’m uncomfortable now. Was I comfortable in my sadness and gloomy days? No. Not at all. It was terrible it was torture and my cutting was worse then.

But right now I am alone, reluctant to express myself to myself. But it’s fine. I have music. And a book. And assignments to do when I get home.

I guess I just can’t help but yearn for a different time. To be encapsulated by the energy I had back then. It was so bright. And clean. I don’t know why memories like those have a certain smell or feeling attached to them. I just wish i could go back. But I know that if I did, it wouldn’t be the same.

The mind is it’s own place; it can make a hell out of heaven, and a heaven out of hell. That’s the quote we got yesterday and I’m seeing, again, that everything is about mindset and habits. Which is why I’m following that schedule and throwing myself like a cog in the machine.
Roar songs on repeat. Weirdcore crap. Manga. Anime. Idc. I just need to return to something familiar.

I can’t even cut anymore

“there doesn’t need to be a reason”

It’s fine. It’s okay. Everything will get better anyway. I’m going to follow that schedule and it doesn’t matter if I daydream about the past the whole day. Or if I just fantasize about going home early and work. Either way I’ll follow the schedule and things will get better. That’s all that matter. No need to reflect or refrain or dissect it. Day to day things will change.

I’m hungry. I’ll eat a bowl of cereal when I get home.