Slowly descending into madness
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I just want to talk about ..
I just want to talk about everything that's going on. I just want to talk. Why do I have to find a title? Why can't I just speak what's going on in my mind? Why do people have to have an advice to give me? Why?
I'll graduate within less than 2 months. And honestly speaking, I'm taking it a bit hard on me. Like, I'm only 23 y/o. I'm not ready at all. Not at all. If I say I don’t have a definitive plan I'd be lying. But the plan I have, it's centered only me. No one else. So if I choose career, I'll have to forget about a love life. And vice versa. And to be honest, at this point, I don’t even want a spouse. অনেক প্যারা লাগে, আমি জীবনেও consistent না। কারো সাথে থাকা আমার পক্ষে সম্ভব না যদি না ভালোবেসে থাকি। and the person I love, I haven’t talked to him for the last 3 months. He doesn’t want to talk to me, he doesn’t want to see me and I don’t like annoying people by texting them. So I let him be.
Mom was asking me what I was planning on doing after graduating, whether I wanna go abroad or focus on career here or marry someone. And I was pretty frank with her. I won't get married if it's not him and he doesn’t want to do anything with me. I even told her, we don't talk (his fault, not mine). I mean how is it my fault if his pathetic ass decided to be with me only for a week, disrupted all the plans now I can't even fucking move on and I don’t even want to try to move on, shouldn’t have he thought it through before he dragged me in a mess? Why didn’t he think it through? And of course, between us, I am the one to suffer the most, I am overworking to the point I can't take a break, I can't even have a sound sleep without seeing nightmares and I never even had a fucking apology. Fuck, forget apology, he never even sends me a fucking text. I love him but everything, every bullshit like this, this makes me so fucking angry. The worst part of all, I AM SUFFERING BECAUSE I LOVE SOMEONE WHO IS A PATHETIC A-HOLE. I'm mad at the universe, I'm mad at myself, I'm mad at him.
On the good note, I'm being more and more suicidal 🎶🎶 not entirely his fault, I have a bpd patient in my house which is my mother. I've talked about moving out, and she straight up said she wont let me because she doesn’t have anyone else to torture 🥳