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2022-10-05 14:28:44 (UTC)

kinda sus kind of happy

i've had a fly around for so long i'm about to google "how long do flies live" because i think it's the same one and it feels kinda sus. i'm starting to get a bit attatched too ngl (w is super irritated by it though and i do feel kinda bad for laughing at her lol). omg (edit: i can't believe it only took me a few sentences to use all 'sus', 'ngl', 'lol' and 'omg', what's happening to me sos rip send help) i just got a santa outfit in cats&soup! or the shirt, coat, whatever. i still need the hat... i'm way too excited about this game. wait, no, not too excited. the appropriate amount of excited. piki had a good post about this - about how f'd up it is that being excited in often considered 'cringey'. like it isn't the fricking fuel of a happy life. i bet the cynical b's who put others down for being really into things haven't experienced clinical depression (lmao i saw a reel today in which a guy went "i don't have clinical depression, i have regular kind of depression. it's only clinical if it's been produced in a certain area of France" or something, and the description said "otherwise it's just sparkling sadness", i caaan't) and the contrast that gives - how awful it is not being able to get excited for annnyythiing.

talking about things that excite me; a while back, like a month or so, i was getting groceries with my best girl m in my old hometown, and while quickly going through the clothing section i spotted the nightie of my dreams, this soft pastel fern? anyway green long ass t-shirt (with the coca cola label on the front - that i have neutral feelings about, tho i do love myself some cokeine) that was organic cotton, suuper soft and lovely and ahh, just perfect! except for the price. 25 € was way too much for me, at least at that point. if i recall correctly i had like 31 euros altogether on my bank account and i had to live off of that for another week. but! and i can't believe i didn't mention this before, but on monday i found the shirt at my local store - on sale! it was just this one, it was the perfect size, and fricking 8.50 €. let me tell y'all these are the moments where i still get why some people believe in god's providence... i had thought about this shirt many times too, a few weeks back i even googled it just to find out it was out of stock and not returning. i had made my peace with having to live without it - yes i realize it's just a piece of clothing and that i always complain about having too much clothes anyway and all that shit, but listen. this shirt makes me so. darn. happy. it's. insane. like i never wanna wear anything else ever again. i bought it to use as a nightie but .. i've already worn it outside as well. i just don't wanna take it off, okay??

ahh, and on the topic of going outside; the happiness is still here. feels weird, man! it's grey, raining and suuuper windy, but i don't mind. other than the stupid wind making the pretty pretty leaves fall faster, that part i'm not so keen on. althoooough i do love me some leaves to kick while walking, so i guess as long as there's some leaves on the trees as well as on the ground for me to look at, i'm good. w hates the rain, and the process of me drying her paws, and most of all her rain coat lol, but that works just fine too - something takes me outside but doesn't make me stay there for too long, haha. thankfully i also have the b e s t view from my window now that they finished two more houses this summer. they kinda disappear in the trees better than the construction site did. so yeah, i've been feeling brighter even tho the weather's what it is and i'm still feeling quite a bit ... under the weather, ehe ehe. i can't help but wonder how much of this is due to the med reductions - oh and i wonder where i'm at with my cycle, let me check clue... ok apparently i'm ovulating, i don't think i've ever noticed that affecting my mood, at least in a good way lol, but i'll definitely have to start paying attention. i tracked feeling happy today, that might be the first time ever, lmao. lot's of fake laughing going on rn but i promise i'm actually happy as well! there's real laughs too. and smiles. a lot of goofy smiling tbh, and even some *gasp* dancing. i have no idea what's gotten into me.

one thing i'm sure has a positive impact tho, is my friends. i have a bunch who - well, the more i communicate with them, the happier i am, basically. a few of my bestest friends i send voice notes back and forth with, and oh boy does it bring me joy listening to their recordings, especially t's. i re-listen time and time again and always chuckle at the same jokes and smile at the same things, at best the recordings make me insaaanely happy. i mean it, we're talking about almost an absurd amount of happiness here. many i wish i could hang out with more often, but on the other hand mi, n and L (i really hate to capitalize but i hate the similarity of a lower case l and an upper case i even more, so. it is what it is) are enough, and plenty. with (the bff) m we call each other every now and then, she's basically the only one i speak on the phone with (except for my mum... the marathon calls we sometimes do when i just need to let my mouth talk while my brain's already shut down, ehh).

the norther m i've recently not heard that much from, she's so busy with the new baby - who i can't wait to meet! i'm trying to arrange going to the party(? lol) on the 22nd. her dad promised he'd pay for my train tickets if i made ...sandwich cakes(lol again i can't with the language barrier and cultural differences, some things just sound plain dumb) again, and i'm trying to get someone to take w in so i could go, but the trains will probs fill in quite quickly as that happens to be one of the fall vacation weeks, so. we'll see. another one of my m's would be there too, so that'd be fun - and i'd also have peer support dealing with the uncleanliness of their house. i feel shitty about it but that really bothers me, almost enough for it to be a deal breaker and making me not want to go. especially with the new baby, i can only imagine the amount of dirty diaper mountains everywhere, and the smell... ugh. the ocd just makes it all that much worse, but i'm sure i can power through. i've done it before, and the party - and therefore all the cooking / baking, and also some of the hanging out as well - will be happening at an air b'n'b house (that's actually ...the celeb(lol yet again) m's old home) so that helps. okay as i already derailed from the happiness my friends bring me i might as well add that it's actually not just the unclean apartment that makes me uncomfortable there, it's also m. it took me years to realize this but i feel like our friendship's better from afar. whenever we hang out live she's very argumentative (even if we agree on whatever the topic is, as we usually do), kinda passive-aggressive and just. acts like she's all around pissed that i'm even around at all. it's so weird, and the last time i visited (with yet another m haha why do half my friends' names begin with an m?) i decided i'd address it the next time it happens. maybe this will be it then?

oh the employment office lady called - or not 'the', 'a' lady called. there'd been a switch-a-roo (surprise, surprise) but the long ass email i wrote had been forwarded to this new one who i guess is now handling my business. she was really nice and said that the email actually pretty much covered everything, so i don't really have to do anything else for now, as long as i explore at least one employment opportunity in the next three months. so, phew. turns out i had every reason to feel proud of myself with how i handled that. always nice when that happens instead of shit backfiring or getting more complicated. maybe i could start expecting better outcomes? oh gosh dang it, i might evolve into a filthy optimist if things keep going this way...

ok writing these entries is addictive. although i'm 100 % aware that it'll probably be like two weeks, a month tops, that i get fed up and give up or just forget - but i'm gonna enjoy it while it lasts and try to be okay with the fact that that probably won't be forever. cause i feel like i've needed this, i've really needed this. processing things in writing. it's been so long, and the last time i kinda tried was with my blog, and with that i just ended up putting way too much pressure on myself. this feels perfect as it's anonymous and by default no one i know is gonna read any of it, nobody cares what i write, how much i write or if i write at all. english also feels like the perfect choice as i need to pay a little more attention to / think a bit more about how i wanna say things, so it naturally slows my brain down a bit - pretty much just enough for the adhd in me to not get overwhelmed and frustrated by how impossible it is to write as quick as i think. so that's nice.

ok ok ok. now i think i'll finally make that pasta salad i've been planning on for days - yesterday i ended up just buying a chicken "poke" bowl (had no poke so i guess just a bowl lol) because there happened to be one 30% off, it still tastes like dopamine to me (i think i've had it four times now, so we'll see how long it takes until it doesn't slap the same way anymore), i was feeling lazy and it was like 1am when i got home from the store. today i have no excuses, and i actually feel like cleaning my kitchen and doing some cooking. i know - wild, huh?