rotten

mistakes and unpleasantries

"some mistakes get made
that's alright, that's okay
in the end it's better for me
that's the moral of the story, babe"

so yeah it might've been a mistake to go to the OT's yesterday. i also went grocery shopping - i had to - and vacuumed. so, a few mistakes were made lol. today i've been feeling really shitty, this illness, whatever it is, is truly a motherfucker. it's been over a week now and there's no end in sight. i'm so drippy and coughy and disgusting it's just that, disgusting. i feel like i can't breathe through any ... hole, i may need to learn how to breathe through my ears or something - although those are not doing that great atm either. you know how whenever you're sick you swear you'll never take health for granted ever again? that's what i've been doing. a lot. will i be taking it for granted the moment i've been healthy for more than six hours? yes, yes i will. but right now i SWEAR

there's still some groceries i'd need to get - i didn't buy any drinks yesterday. i have no idea how that happened. i guess i was so focused on bying some actual food for once that i just somehow forgot? but my green sugar free juice concentrate (that my mum calls "coolant") is almost gone and i don't think i can live without it. also, liquid liquids still kinda hurt to drink, so i'll need to buy some more ...juice soup, how the hell is there no word for it in english? doesn't the rest of the world have things like straw-/rasp-/blueberry (yes i did that ironically, no need to sue) soup? how do they live without it? i do not understand. and actually i refuse to even try. anyway, lidl is open for another 29 minutes, but i don't think i'm gonna make it. perhaps it would be better to go later anyway, at 3am or something, as i'm still like proper ill ill. we shall see. i'd also like to get some avocados on my rye bread, just for the old times sake. i bet avocados are expensive as hell rn though. what else could i get? some cold smoked salmon maybe, and cream cheese. i already have chives too, so that would be good. talking about them chives, maybe i should cook actual food today, as it is almost 9pm already. i've only eaten a croissant with brie and nectarine, and a sandwich today. it's like n said the last time i saw her, "it doesn't matter what time of the day it is, if one asks you whether or not you've eaten any real food that day, the answer's almost always no" - that's so true. i really need to up my game here.

i promised to 'translate' the doctor's notes to one of my friends - it's proper pathology shit too, might as well be in arabic or something - and i really need to do that today. i'm sure that once i actually read it with intention and focus (and google, lmao) a bit, i can do it. even tho i've mostly been interested in the proper grammar, i have picked up quite a bit of the vocabulary while on my research missions. i have zero energy for it right now though, but i am driven by the fact that i did promise her. i wish i was more of an awful person sometimes.

i also got a few unpleasant messages today. one was from my stepdad, to whom i pay for my car insurance - i really should get my shit together and make my own contract, but it's just too much of a hassle (in my mind) - i think it's like twice a year when the insurance and the tax fall on the same month and last month being the absolute worst financ...ially speaking, i don't know how i'm gonna make it. j said he could help me out with one of the two but idk. it's always weird just accepting money from someone. the second unpleasant message was from the employment services - i missed a deadline i had totally forgotten about. luckily the deadline was only yesterday, i don't have to fill in the report until the 18th, and i already emailed my councelor or whatever she should be called. i'm actually quite proud of myself for that, i don't know where that kind of efficiency stemmed from. i feel like i'm doing a bit better productivity-wise now that i've reduced the dosage of bupropion but i may be just imagining things as that definitely shouldn't be the case - should have the opposite effect actually. anyway, the third unpleasant thing was the electricity bills. it's INSANE how much those are now. over seven times more than a few months ago! i wanna move to pluto.

damn it, even the evohaler didn't help. i hate this potato pox man flu deadly disease what ever it is, so much. hate hate hate. why is it that whenever i have an energy boost or productivity wave or literally even a single positive thought about life, small dreams, any hope - i'm ill. always! maybe my brain only produces good / hopeful shit whenever it is physically impossible to execute any of it? that sure sounds like me and my effed up brain. doesn't change the fact that it's fucking frustrating though. i just wanna live my life, gosh darn it.