rotten

"hello, october"

that's possibly the most clishe thing on earth but i actually said it out loud when i was walking w, so i thought it would be a fitting title for this entry. i'm still kinda ill as hell - wow that's a lot of L's - but i think it's getting better. all the drama aside, i think i'm almost okay. the first time i blew my nose (that sounds ... like really, english? you don't have a verb for blowing your nose? c'mon) this morning, it was clear. yes i mean the substance that came out, i figured i can be as tmi as i want with this thing - i've heard somewhere that if your snot's clear colored, that means you're healthy. on the second blow i wasn't so lucky (oh c'mon brain, stop it, i mean it) but i'm still hopeful. i think i'll take a shower, put on some make up, get something to eat and head to the OT's appointment anyway, and just wear a mask. i don't think it's anything too contagious now that it's been a week and the fever's been gone for days. i mean the snot's clearing up, right? ok maybe i'm being totally irresponsible, but i just. i fear that if i was to reschedule the new appointment would take forever to come up. and let's be honest here - it's me we're talking about. if i wasn't okay to go, i wouldn't. after all, i'm nothing if not too responsible and guilt-driven. now this took a bit of a weird turn as my point was to talk about h a p p i n e s s (the word that never fails to remind me of this video where a little boy tries to say it but can't so he keeps going "happy penis! happy penis!!" .. i love that video).

so yeah. the autumn time is upon us. it makes me happy. again it's time for the surprised folks to form a line over there - i think i'm pretty known for loving fall. i can't remember who it was that once was like "figures - the season when everyone else usually get's super stressed and depressed and miserable and burnt out and shit... of course you're thriving" and idk that might be one of the most spot on statements about my life. i tend to take the amount of space i feel i'm given, and respond to the vibes of others - if everyone else's pressed, i for sure won't be. never realized it worked in that big of a picture as well. now that i think of it i also tend to hate most of the spring and have all my biggest hardships in spring-summer time... maybe i'm getting too deep into this. anyway, i love fall. i love the cooler weather, i love the smells (trampled dew-worms excluded, eww) and most of all i love the colors. even if the 'ruska' season only lasts for so long, it's my absolute favorite time of the year. any year. if i could i'd move somewhere where it's always fall time. maybe i could become a fall chaser. like some go after storms and shit, i could just. move into a van - like i've dreamed of doing anyway - and always go where the leaves are turning red. oh that'd be heavenly.

ok i really need to hop in the shower (i'm gonna be late anyway, i already know it. damn my life) so i'm gonna try and cut this short. i just felt genuinely really happy for no reason, and i wanted to write it down. it's been a while. whenever it happens it's usually just like that - i'm outside with w, i have, for once, remembered to turn my headphones on and press play so i have music playing in my ears, phone's in my pocket, the weather is in some way delightful (can be a number of things, anything really. i've felt this happiness in a snow storm too) and i just. something just happens that makes me want to smile like an idiot and throw my hands up and idk, swirl? lol. i tend to do some pippi longstocking -jumps and take a few steps dancing, and i also sing out loud if nobody's around. it's these rare moments where i always think "what if life wasn't so bad? could i just decide that it isn't? would that make a difference?"

i'm thinking of trying to learn to do things on my own - or more like learn to *enjoy* doing things on my own. i think i could do things on my own if i wanted to, if i liked doing them by myself. and i mean sometimes i do, like going to the movies alone is sometimes the absolutely nicest thing! and i've been seen sipping on an occasional cup of coffee with only me, myself and i. but i'd really like to be more active. even if it's inside of my apartment. i yearn some - any, really - control over my life. i wanna continue on my path of clishes and mAkE mY oWn HaPpiNeSs (happypenishappypenis!) and all that crap... i really do. i wanna keep my place clean so that i can keep my mind clear. i wanna start drawing again, i wanna make some use out of my easel, i wanna lay on my spike strip every day and do other things that are g-o-o-d for me. i wanna make puzzles, i wanna cook, i wanna bake. i wanna finish my home decoration projects. i wanna drink more tea, i wanna convince myself of it being worth it to make coffee even if it's "just" for myself. i wanna brush my teeth twice a day, every day. i wanna put on make up even if i only leave the house to walk w, just because i enjoy putting it on. i know this list is getting out of hand and i'm falling into the habit of all-or-nothing -thinking - or maybe i'm not? maybe it's good to list some small dreams and goals? funny thing, actually. i didn't think i had those. (other than wanting to be able to earn enough money to not die of stress every month, that is.)

ok i'm gonna be so late, RIP. i think i'll have to skip washing my hair... oh boy. i don't think any amount of dry shampoo's gonna fix this, but we shall try.